


Hell and Heaven’s ineffable custody battle

by sekhmetpaws



Series: ABOmensverse [4]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ace Aziraphale - Freeform, Alpha Gabriel, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Damned Husbands, Ducks, Everyone being bad at feelings, Fluffy, Including the Author, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Mpreg, Omega Crowley, Polyamorous relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Terrible Jokes, beta aziraphale, every one is stupid, family fic, ineffable babies, or forty-two snakes, unsexy sex, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:02:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24885799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekhmetpaws/pseuds/sekhmetpaws
Summary: When an angel and a demon have a baby, who is responsible for it?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley/Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Series: ABOmensverse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766680
Comments: 122
Kudos: 69





	1. New beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> If you fell by parachute here and are too lazy to read the rest, this is the summary: Crowley and Aziraphale are a couple in an open relationship (Azie is an ace beta and Crowley is an omega). One day, Crowley is in heat and Archangel Gabriel appears for an appointment with the principality. Some porn. Feelings. A woopsie baby happens. Gabriel doesn’t know what to do with this information.

Three months had passed before Gabriel managed to force himself to return to the bookstore. He could have told himself that he was too busy with work or that Uriel had scolded him a lot the last time, she was getting suspicious and he needed to do something to protect his secret. But it all would be pure bullshit. The truth is he was totally freaked out.

It was like baby Jesus business repeating itself all over again, but this time he was the Virgin Mary. Or Crowley was Mary and he was a very confused, terrified and not supportive enough Joseph.

In his defense, with the matching bound established, he could feel the demon’s presence at some point on earth and know he wasn’t distressed, abnormally sad or in danger. Besides that, Aziraphale had said with all the letters that, if something like this were to happen, Gabriel didn't need to worry, as he and Crowley could handle it smoothly. 

The archangel had the feeling it wasn’t exactly true. 

Still, he was too afraid of the possibilities… Heaven finding out, and then Hell finding out. He falling. They sending someone after Crowley and Aziraphale and the… The whatever happens when an angel and a demon spend a heat together.

The last one triggered another part of him that grew stronger every day. The bond dragged him down, to be close, to be present, to be there. The alpha in him scolded his cowardice. Why wasn’t he there? Why wasn’t he protecting his omega? Why wasn’t he protecting their pup? He thought the “pup” one was probably a demon thing, induced by the bound, as angels didn’t raise their fledglings together… Even so, Aziraphale and Crowley don’t have a whole team of angels specialized in caring for the fledglings. They would have to do it alone and somehow discover what an angel-demon baby turned out to need along the way. Hide from it was certainly not the moral thing to do, and he was supposed to be the good one in this situation. 

So, Gabriel came back for a very awkward conversation.

Or he tried to.

When the archangel got to the bookshop, the door was locked. From past experience, he knew that it shouldn’t mean anything good. He looked over his shoulder before miracling the door open. He didn’t announce himself coming in. 

However, something was indeed wrong.

Some of the books were missing from their places on their shelves and some of them were placed in cardboard boxes around the floor. It would be normal as Aziraphale was constantly re(des)organizing the shelves and receiving new books, but, it didn’t seem to be the case. The sofas were covered in white and tartan sheets, the tables were clean and when he tried to go upstairs to look for then, Gabriel discovered that most of the flat, some rooms included, were missing. He looked out the window and Crowley’s precious car was not parked outside.

It was not possible that a task had been assigned to Aziraphale. He was his superior. He would’ve been informed! Maybe, they were at Crowley’s… He knew the demon had a flat here in London, somewhere. He realized he had never asked were. He told himself it was not a reason to despair. They both were always involved with some sort of unholy adventure or another. They should be fine.

But after two, three, four days… He lost it. He even went to the park. There were a lot of questionable-looking individuals feeding the ducks, but the not the questionable-looking pair he was looking for.

Maybe he could assign Aziraphale a mission and then he would have to show up and report back to him. Besides that, there was always Michael’s back channels trough with surely wouldn’t be hard to find Crowley… But both options would drag too much attention and he didn’t want that.

And then Aziraphale was back.

Gabriel just showed up the next day, hopeless and there was the angel, searching his boxes.

“Aziraphale! Were the fuck were you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I looked for both of you for the whole week! Where were you?”

Aziraphale opened his lips, realizing something “I’m utterly sorry, dear. I thought, as you have the ability to appear in the worst moment every time I’m in the middle of an assignment, you had the same radar thing of always knowing where I am, like Crowley”

“And were is Crowley? What is going on here anyway?”

“We decided to move somewhere else. A bookshop full of ancient, rare, invaluable books isn’t a place for a baby. Or forty-two snakes” The angel chuckled. “A bigger house would be nice too, so we bought this adorable cottage in a little village called Tadfild and… Oh, come see it for yourself!”

Aziraphale snapped his fingers and they were in the middle of a garden. 

Gabriel looked around and saw a mane of red hair under a giant sun hat, kneeling in front of a shaking bush. The demon got up to face them. He was wearing a floral dress that didn’t fit his usual style at all.

“His pants don't fit anymore. But he refuses to wear maternity pants. Or regular pants”

There was a small bump visible now and it made Gabriel’s face grow very, very hot, and prevented him from being able to say anything. Luckily for him, he didn’t have to.

“Mr. Fell, you are back! I didn’t even hear you coming. Who is your friend?”

A Lady with her face covered in dirt and a shovel in her hand emerged from behind the bushes.

“A human.” Gabriel couldn’t stop himself from saying. At least he could suppress the “thou shalt not fear”, though. 

“A witch” Corrected the human-witch.

“This is Anathema, our neighbor. She and her boyfriend are having tea with us later. We are just expecting Azie to come back” Crowley introduced. 

“Well, I’m going to get the tea started, then. Why won’t you clean up and call Newt?” Aziraphale said, entering the house. Anathema finally notices the dirty in her face, laughed, and went back to her side of the fence. 

“Looks great, hum? Almost like Eden.” Crowley smiled, opening his arms to show his new plant-project. 

“Are you not mad?”

“Why would I be?”

“Because I went missing for weeks”

“Ngk. When Aziraphale and I have a fight, sometimes we go decades without seeing it other. Weeks are nothing.”

“It’s a long time when you are like this” Gabriel looked to the bump, too afraid to touch it. 

“Like this?”

“With pups”

“Azie told you you don’t to worry about it, didn’t he? It’s fine. I know it’s not an angel thing to stay around. We will figure it out”

“I don’t want you to figure it out alone. What if it really is forty-two snakes?”

Crowley laughed. “I was kidding! It’s like ten snakes, maximum. We can put then all together in a trench coat and no one is going to notice...”

Gabriel’s lips were on his, making him shut up for once. The demon hugged him.

“Why the Hell are you like this?”

“Hmm...?” My poor boy Newton standing there, with a cake on his hands, looking very confused. 

“Hi, Newt! This is Gabriel. Babe, this is Newt, Ana’s boyfriend” Crowley hadn’t let him go, so the angel wrapped his arm around his hips, the point of his fingers encountering the bump.

“Who you are again?”

“Gabriel… Archangel?” Very subtle. “Just checking my pup. You are going to see me around”

Saying “my pup” makes everything feel more real. He hugged Crowley a little closer. It made him feel a little bit proud. 

“Your pup?”

“Baby”  
“Baby?”

“Yes”

“So, he is the baby’s father?”

“Yes”

“Not your husband?”

“Aziraphale is my husband”

“And he knows about...this?”

“Yes?”

“And, Are we all going to have tea together?”

“I don’t like tea”

“Right...”

“I brought pumpkin bread!” 

Anathema was back, with to dirty in her face this time. Newt was still confused. But Gabriel was happy, at least.


	2. Tea Talk

They had tea. Or Gabriel watched the humans, Aziraphale and Crowley have tea (even though Crowley may have been pretending to have tea all along). The archangel was impressed to observe how easy it was for them to mix with humans. Despite the fact that the man remained with a slight air of estrangement all the time, as most humans presented in the presence of unearthly forces, his girlfriend seemed extremely comfortable with the whole interaction.

She and Crowley chattered for hours about his plants, his plans for the garden, and for the baby’s bedroom (this part made Gabriel go all tingly). She even offered to do a reading to find out the baby’s gender (it was not necessary, thank you). Apparently, she believed that he and Aziraphale were some kind of occult enthusiasts like herself, which was only more confirmed when she discovered the collection of ancient grimoires and books of prophecy that the angel possessed. Her family has been obsessed with this one prophecy book for centuries now (the one Aziraphale could never found!) they entered in an animated discussion about it some minutes later.

Gabriel grew bored of it when he noted the human couple wasn’t leaving after finishing their tea. He allowed himself to lie on the demon's shoulder and let his hair fall on his face, sniffing that relaxing scent.

“And what about you… It’s Gabriel, right?”

He blinked. “Me?”

“Yes, what do you do?”

“What does my soul smell like?” He was pretty sure the girl have been talking something about smelling souls or something.

The witch laughed. “It’s your aura, not your soul. And I can’t sense it, like, physically, it’s more like a supernatural sense, you know?” No. “But if I could smell your soul I think it would smell like… Capitalism. So, you are, I don’t know… A lawyer?”

“Sure.” Why not?

She seemed to be happy about it. Maybe not about it, but by being right.

“And How did you two...Three meet?”

“Hmmm…? Aziraphale and I work...worked together”

“Where?”

“Babe, why don’t you come to see the nursery we are planning?”

Gabriel smiled, relieved. Why are these humans so curious? He followed Crowley for a couple of stairs before reaching a blue-painted door. They entered and found a small room with a big window. It was empty but clean.

“You are welcome. You are just so awkward and a terrible liar, you know?”

“I'm sorry if not all of us had six thousand years to train to pretend to be human, sunshine”

Crowley chuckled, stepping closer and passing his arms around the archangel’s neck. 

“I thought you were going to show me what you are planning?”

Crowley pouted.“I was just getting you out of the situation… We are not planning anything for now. And it’s kinda boring. You don’t want to hear about it”

“I want… To be part of this. Somehow. Even in the boring parts. That is, if you want me to.”

“Are you sure? Because it can be… A lot.” Crowley let him go, looking away. “I’m going to be honest with you. We don’t know what is going to happen. We don’t know if I can really have this kid, and if I can, it may not be a good thing. You remember the Nephilim. And they were human… I’m a demon”

“What if it is a good thing?”

“What if it’s not?”

“Then, I’m facing it with you. You and Aziraphale are not doing it alone, okay? Even if it’s ten snakes in a trench coat”

Crowley pushed him, laughing. Gabriel was not prepared for it and fell butt-first. The demon sat by his side. The archangel put his arm around his waist, the point of his fingers touching the bump again.

“So, what is the boring thing you are planning?”

“So, first I thought of painting a blue background with white clouds, you know, the classic, but then I thought it was too cliché… Now I’m thinking about painting the sky, light blue first for the morning, and then going darker and darker until we get a night in the ceiling and go all galaxy. Maybe I will even glue some of those glow in the dark stars for them to still be able to see it when the light it’s off and...”  
…  
“Michael, why don’t we keep our own fledglings?”

The archangels are exchanging some papers in the meeting room. Sandalphon looked at him as he looked at him as if he were something stuck to his shoe. Michael didn’t bother to raise their head, tough. 

“You know the answer. It’s faster. We don’t have to look for one at a time. It’s more efficient. We don’t have to get attached, so we can focus on the great plan. Why?”

“Just thinking”.

“Uriel supervised their division for some time. If you have questions, ask her”

Uriel looked at him, but he doesn’t have anything to ask. Later, she followed him to his office.

“Can we talk?”

“About?”

“About your question”

“I am aware of how the department works, thank you”

“That is not the point and you know that”

Gabriel didn’t answer and kept walking. She kept following. She closed his office door when they get to it.

“Do you know why I left the department?”

“I do not”

“I started to find it very difficult not to get...attached. And even after I quit, I just couldn’t have fledglings of my own anymore. I kept thinking… Well, I know how you feel” 

“I think this is a misunderstanding...”

“No, Gabriel, you can, you can just talk to me, okay? I never told any of you because I thought you would find it weird. But this time, you have me, and I am sure that if both of us go talk to Michael, you and Eiael can...”

“I’m sorry. Who?”

“Eiael. Michael’s employee? The one you spend heat together last time?   
Was it before her?”

“What was before her?”

“The fledgling you are having. Who has it? I thought that, with all the time you've been on earth, it had to be her. She had one assignment there recently…”

“Uri, you are mistaken. There is no one. There is no fledgling”

“Don’t you fucking dare lie to me! I know you. Do you know who is covering for your sorry ass all this time? I am! So cut the bullshit… Gabe, I’m not judging you. I swear!”  
…

Two archangels appeared at the door of the cottage. One of them rang the doorbell. One plushy angel answered the door.

“Back so soon dear b...Gabriel. And Uriel? Come in…?”

“You mated Aziraphale? Isn’t he a beta?” Uriel whispered in Gabriel’s ear, entering the living room.

“Sit down please, let me just...” Said the angel, nervous.

“Angel! Do you prefer...” A person wearing a midi dress and carrying brushes with different shades of blue stopped in the middle of the stairs.

A small bump indicated the beginning of a pregnancy belly. There were blue dots on his face, on his dress, on his legs on his feet… Wait a minute are this scales? Uriel looked up to see slithered snake eyes staring startled at her.

“Please, don’t tell Michael.”

“Holy fuck”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uriel deserves more love


	3. Tea Talk (reprise)

A couple of hours earlier.   
…  
Crowley and Aziraphale were lying on the bedroom floor, holding a big constellation map above their heads.

“What about this one?”

“The duck? I like it!”

“It’s not a duck, angel! It’s Leo!”

“It looks like a duck to me, my dear” Aziraphale chuckled. “And this one looks like a man falling”

Crowley huffed. And his angel laughed.

“You have a terrible taste”

“That’s why I fell in love with you”

Crowley put his hand on his chest, offended, and Aziraphale laughed even more.

“Okay. Maybe you have good taste. But just in demons. And in mirrors. Where this one came from anyway? I’ve never seemed it in the bookshop”

“I bought in the seventeenth century and then I forget it existed. But it still looks good, doesn't it? I thought it would look nice with the painting your planning”

“I got some paint already. I think I’m going start mixing and testing it to see how it looks”

“That dear girl gave me the recipe from the pumpkin bread. I’m going to try it”

They exchanged a lovely peck and Aziraphale got up (helping his demon first, of course), to go to the kitchen downstairs. Crowley checked the mirror before starting. Maybe he would give the frame’s rococo a different color later. His reflection smiled at him. He gave his belly a little poke before turning his back on the mirror.

“The demon Crowley” Came a voice from behind him.  
...  
Hastur was never found of Crowley. 

It was not possible that he would be so lucky as to never be punished for anything. However, as he continued to send those reports with impressive titles- which Hastur suspected were not that impressive between the lines. Crowley starting the Second World War? Bullshit! - the head office kept assigning him the best tasks and left him loose most of the time.

Nevertheless, Hastur knew that something had to be off. He just needed to prove it, to get him stepping out of the line just one time, and the unfairness would be over and Crowley would finally get what he deserves! 

Ligur did not approve of his endeavor. He had given up on this a long time ago. Crowley was just a sneaky bastard, they couldn't catch him, and if they did, he probably would just talk his way out of the situation and the consequences would just fall on top of their heads instead. 

But, Hastur was determined and was sure that this time his effort would be rewarded.

So, he was just sulking occasionally around Crowley’s flat. The fact that he was nearby was just a coincidence, okay? And, by chance, he saw something: Crowley was clearly moving out. He failed to get a good look at the other demon, all of him covered by the leaves of the plants he was carrying to his car. He was sure it meant he was leaving for quite some time.

But, here is the thing: Crowley hadn’t received a new assignment, so, he was doing it for his own reasons, which meant it was bad (but not bad in a way Hell would approve). Hastur managed to follow him to this new place, a small village in the countryside, with no noise pollution or traffic rivers or late businessmen or people screaming at their cellphones, in other words, distant from all the usual types of chaos Crowley usually enticed. In that context, there was only one possible explanation: Crowley was up to something!

At the house, a short chubby man was waiting for him and helped him carry the plants inside, but Hastur paid him no mind. His focus was on Crowley’s wicked ways. He was on the prowl for a few days, expecting to see if anything obvious would change. 

He was disgusted to discover the other demon to be pregnant. He never imagined Crowley to be one to breed and carry pups, but the sight of that little swell changing the redhead's usual too-skinny-to-be-alive features wouldn’t allow him to lie. And then the image of even more little Crowley’s who would fuck his life in the future was too much for him to take it alone.  
…  
Hastur and Ligur were hiding behind a bush for two hours now.

“Come on, Hazzy. Let’s go. He won’t stop talking with this human”

“You need to see it. Let’s stay”

“He probably isn’t even with pups anyway. You know that snake thing when they eat something too big and...”

“I know what I saw Ligur!”

“Okay, okay. But even if you are right, what could we possibly do? It’s not wrong to have pups anyway and...”

“There Ligur! Look! Look! He is getting up!”

“There is someone else now. I can’t see him...”

A man with broad shoulders was standing between their hiding spot and the demon. Oh, no! They are kissing. Hastur thinks he is going to throw up. Who the fuck is this? Because Hastur is going to turn the last of his eternity in a living nightmare! They part, heading to the cottage, followed by the human and another new human. Hastur tries to capture the man’s face and he thinks he sees… a pair of purple eyes?

“Holy shit, Ligur! Holy shit!”  
…

“The demon Crowley” Says the voice in the mirror. Crowley freezes, before turning back slowly “ I just received the news. Should I congratulate you?”

Prince Beelzebub was staring at him from the other side of the glass. By the shadows on the floor of the reflection, Crowley could tell they were not in their throne room. Or alone.

“My Lord. I would never imagine someone as low rank as me having a clutch would be a piece of information relevant enough for someone as important as you” He knew he was just buying himself time that would be useless. If Beelzebub had come personally talk to him like that he was already fucked.

“You think very little of yourself, sweetheart. Any demon wily enough to seduce an archangel is worthy of our attention” Oh no. “It’s a shame you are wasting that potential on 

treachery ...” Lucifer’s red eyes shone in his direction when he stepped in frame and then changed their focus back to Beelzebub, his voice was bitter “At least one of your employees is still loyal if wasn’t our remarkable Duke Hastur...”

Because of course, Hastur was behind this. 

“Hastur is just jealous because he is too unsexy to get inside any angel’s pants”

“I’m not!” Hastur’s toady head appeared behind the devil’s back.

“Silence!” Lucifer’s eyes were back at Crowley. Dark smoke ascending from his nostrils. “The king of Hell isn’t here for your bullshit Crowley. I just had to see with my own eyes, because I couldn’t believe any demon could be stupid enough to believe they could act behind my back and live. You are expected for your judgment. This is not an invitation”

Crowley had to summon up all his courage not to turn into a puddle right there. But, six thousand years living with Aziraphale taught him one thing: to be a bastard. So, he did exactly what Aziraphale would expect him to do.

He lied in the face of the king of Hell.

“It’s not happening. I’m gonna be busy. Forever.”

“Oh, really?”

“You see, different from you, Heaven is thrilled to see what is going on here. I mean, think of the benefits it could at to their lines in the war? I bet it’s going to be immune from both hellfire and holy water...”

“You are bluffing.” Hastur spat “My Lord, he is bluffing!”

“Shut up, Hastur! So maybe you are telling the truth? So what? Heaven is not protecting you forever. The instant you give them what they want, it’s over. You will be worthless again and you will be destroyed. By their hands or mine. And you better hope it’s theirs because...”

“Am I, though?” Crowley interrupted “Who told you I need to stop with this one? I can give them a whole army with I want to. So good luck with your war. You are going to need it” He spun on his heels, walking in the direction of the buckets of paint.

“Oh, no, no, no, wait! Crowley, you can’t be on their side. They abandoned you. They will do it again. They made you fall. We took you in. We protected you. We are your family...”

“You are literally going to murder me five minutes ago” Crowley opened two of them, putting the paint in a palette to visualize the colors better.

“Hm…Sometimes, sometimes families fight. You can’t take everything so seriously...We would be delighted to welcome your little hellish spawn. And of course, all the next ones too! You don’t need them… And, and… Hastur here will provide anything they previously offered!”

“I don’t know Lucy. My feelings are hurt now” He said, mixing the paints creating a small color wheel. “We will talk later. Ciao!” 

With a wave of his hand, he covered the mirror with one of Azie’s tartan sheets. He looked at the paint mess, trying to decide which shade would look better for the lighter part.

“Angel!” He called, coming down the stairs “Do you prefer...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Ligur will be murdered during the writing of this fic


	4. It gets even more awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both sides of the story merge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aunt Uriel is up for this ride!

Both angel and demon stood staring at each other in silence. One in confusion, the other in Déjà vu. Aziraphale shot him an anxious glare from the corridor.

“Everything is okay. Come here” Gabriel extended his hand at the demon’s direction, but he didn’t move.

“Gabriel...” Uriel took a step back.

“You are not judging me. You promised.”

Uriel crossed her arms but said nothing.

He looked back. “Please, sunshine. Come hear”

“Ngk”

Crowley walked in his direction, slowly, without taking his eyes from Uriel. He stopped a few steps away from her, behind Gabriel. The archangel’s arm encircled him, pressing the demon against his back, without trying to bring him closer to the other angel. Crowley left out a breath, feeling Gabriel’s thumb caressing his hip, and allowed himself to press his face against his arm. 

Uriel frowned, observing Gabriel putting himself protectively between the demon and her as if she was the threat here and not the other way around. From this distance, she could see the contours of the demon’s belly better and be sure it just was not some kind of trick he was trying to fool the archangel with. Somehow, Gabriel really managed to get a random demon pregnant. 

“How the Hell did it happen?” She realized she had said it out loud and tried to correct it “No, no, no. I don’t need to know the details. Just, just...How? Why?! What is Aziraphale doing here?” 

“Baby” Gabriel answered. Aziraphale and the demon shook their heads in agreement.

Uriel noticed she was also shaking her head in agreement. 

“Right” She put her hands in her hips “Oh, Lord. What are you going to do when their younglings department come looking for him? I told, I told you we could speak with Michael, but we can’t just talk our ways trough Hell’s bureaucracy!”

“Actually, demons raise their pups. Until they are big enough to be someone else’s problem at least” The demon spoke. Uriel's eyes chased his face in disbelief.

“So, you don’t have to give it away? We get to keep it?”

Gabriel saw Uriel’s eyes wide with realization. Uriel herself was a little shocked by how fast this “you” became “we”. 

“Babe. Angel. It may or may not be a terrible timing, but, the big boss called. Angel, Don’t freak out.”

“Who is your boss? Is Beelzebub, isn’t it? What they want?” Gabriel turned back to him.

“Beelzebub is just regular boss”

Aziraphale had already freaked out. “Oh, Lord. Did he find out? What do they want?”

“Who found out?”

“Lucifer. They want me to die...Aziraphale!”

Aziraphale was trying to leave unnoticed “I will be right back, dear boy”

“Why is murder always your first instinct? You are an angel!”  
“First, no can murder you if they are dead first. Second, I was not going to murder anyone. I am just grabbing some holy water to protect the house, and if they slip on it or accidentally walk under a bucked of it it’s not my fault.”

“Well, they don’t want to murder me anymore because I may or may not have said that your lot knows and are perfectly fine with it, Heaven’s super soldiers may or may not have been mentioned either”

“Oh, dear”

“Basically… I fucked up”

Gabriel almost shouted at God, but was able to make his voice sound calm when he said “And now what?”

“Now they are still after me, but for non-murder reasons, I think? Said they can double your offers?”

Gabriel didn’t listen to Uriel step by his side. 

“Well, for, huh… heavenly greater good reasons, we can’t let them have it now. They don’t need to know that our lot means like… three angels”

“Uriel...”

“Michael doesn’t have to know either”  
…  
At the end of the day, Uriel didn’t need that much explanation. She didn’t ask again what Aziraphale was doing there, or how Gabriel ended up there. She wouldn't even have asked what the demon’s name was - “the demon” was enough for her- if Aziraphale hadn’t told her himself. The only thing she knew was that there was a free baby going on.

A half-demon baby? Yes. With hooves and horns? Maybe. But a baby that they didn’t need to give back and could keep their teensy little hoofies all for themselves! 

Actually, they didn’t have the right to keep it, but the obligation! The demon, er, Crowley, would be responsible for taking care of it anyway. So, helping him around was just the morally correct thing to do! No one could blame her for it, could they? 

Thwarting the evil’s ways was just a bonus. 

“Hey, Aziraphale, Crowley, you guys home?” A voice came from the front of the house “The door was open, Ana said we should check on you?”

Anathema was just behind her boyfriend. “Crowley did you saw…? Ah, Gabriel is here. We never see you coming. Where do you park your car?” She noticed Uriel, opening a smile and extending an open hand “Oh, hi! I’m Anathema. This is Newt. Are we interrupting? We can come back later...”

“No, it’s ok. This is my… sister, Uriel” Gabriel introduced. His, now, sister, Uriel, shook the human’s hand awkwardly. “Just told her the news”

“Oh, are you excited to be an… aunt?” Newt said. He hoped it was right because he was still a little confused about how this family’s dynamics worked “I don’t have nephews but I had a lot of baby cousins that...”

Anathema noticed Crowley was a little uneasy. She nodded towards the couch, where they sat, while Newton had a very awkward conversation with two archangels while one angel tried to make it a little less awkward. 

“What is it? You have problems with her?” She whispered.

“Not yet. Just met her.”

“And she didn’t know about the baby?”

“She just learned I exist”

“Oh. It can be a bit much at once, right? What about Azie?”

“As far as I know, they’ve met before, but I suppose ‘this’ all” he gestured around with his hands “It’s not something she would have guessed. Their family can be a little… old fashioned”

“I get it. You think they won’t accept it?”

“Don’t know. She reacted better than I expected”

“This is a good thing”

Crowley shuddered. “Maybe. What was the thing you were going to show me?”

“Oh, you know Mr. Edgar, the man that lives at the other side of the street? He just disappeared! Like, moved out without telling anyone?”

“And?”

“You don’t live at the same place for almost a hundred years and just left without warnings! It’s suspicious.”

“You find everything suspicious. Maybe he is just, you know, dead”

“Crowley!”  
“What? He was old!”

“Humft. Someone else is moving in. But they are clearly weird...”

“Says the witch girl”

“Crowley! I’m trying to say weird like… Just have an approximated idea of how a human should live? I looked at the window… Not on purpose, okay? And they put a microwave in the living room where they should have a TV. You know that garden cabinet at the back? It’s full of toilet paper!”

“What are you trying to imply? Aliens?”

“I don’t know! Maybe? Do you think they are aliens?”

Crowley heard the sound of a horn. A horn that sounded too much like it was produced by a human voice…? He hoped it was aliens while heading towards his window.

A vaguely car-looking vehicle has parked at the house in front of his. A man wearing a very wet and mossy wig (or a frog) steps out.  
…  
“We are here”

Hastur and Ligur stop in the front of the house, getting out of the car (and by car I mean several boxes tapped one on top of the other and Ligur mimicking car noises, poorly).

“Can’t believe we will have to do it.” He kicked the car. It’s “door” sank inwards. 

“Will you really leave a negative impression on our neighbors from day one?” Ligur waves towards the house.

Anathema and Crowley close the curtains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uriel is basically me every time I see a pregnant person.   
> Also, I've been thinking, I don't know what gender the humans (and by humans, I mean Newt, because Anathema doesn't give a fuck) think Crowley is. As a personal view, I interpret him, in canon, as genderfluid. But I guess you can interpret him as you want. Newt will be confused by basically everything in this fic and Crowley's gender is not the most relevant one (I mean, Kermit, the frog, evil twin brother just moved in). Out of curiosity, Ligur is not being punished too. He is just very supportive.   
> Just warning beforehand, the next one is probably going to be a porny chapter. It's not relevant to the story so you can skip it if you want.


	5. It's family time!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale takes care of everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a porn chapter, okay? You don't need to read it if you don't want to. It's not important to the plot

Aziraphale and Crowley were trying to reorganize the angel’s books around the house. Aziraphale was having a hard time trying to decide which ones he liked more and which ones he liked too much to keep in a house with a potentially book-destroyer baby. It was also hard to convince him to keep a logical order after too many years trying to stop customers from finding anything at his shop.

“Why don’t you put all of Oscar’s together and keep this one with...” A wave of nausea washed over him before he could finish his statement “Angel, something is wrong.”

“Is this morning sickness again, dear?”

“It’s three in the afternoon” Crowley put his books down, looking for something.

“Well, maybe ‘morning’ is just a name. What do you feel?”

“I don’t-I don’t know? I don’t feel like bad. There is just something wrong. Maybe it’s Gabriel? Maybe someone fond out? Bet Hastur did something! What is this fucker doing?” The demon went to look at the window, but neither Hastur nor Ligur was visible in the house in front of theirs.

“Calm down, dear. If there is a problem, I’m sure he will come to warn us somehow.”

Crowley, of course, couldn’t calm down. He walked around the house for the next hour while Aziraphale tried to organize his boxes. Every now and then a new itchy wave would wash his body and he would grow more and more restless.

“Dear boy, what are you doing?”

Crowley looked down and realized he was carrying blankets around again. His slithered pupils were wide, almost hiding the swallowing the golden irises. “Don’t know”

“Oh my, can demons have heat in the middle of the pregnancy? It doesn’t make much sense, unless…. It’s not you”

“What do you mean?”

“Come here, darling”  
…  
Aziraphale helped him take the rest of the blankets and pillows to the bed. It was weird because for the pregnancy itself it was too soon for the instinct to nest. Well, it was not heat time either, but here they were. The angel petting the demon’s hair soothingly, while slick started to puddle between said demon’s legs. 

Crowley felt it first. The energy particles accumulating in the air. He raised his head alarmed and whined.

“You can stay here, dear boy. I will be right back”

The lightning struck the garden with a loud crash. Aziraphale hopped it would go unnoticed with the thunderstorm forming in the sky and that most of Crowley’s favorite plants weren’t harmed. The door opened with a loud thud. He used to be quieter. 

“Hello, sunshine”

Gabriel’s eyes were glowing with purple energy. He found it a little hard to pass through the door, with all his six wings out. Aziraphale thought he would find a little hard to explain it to possible neighborhood spectators either.

“Hello, dear boy. Come in. I’ve got a thing for you”

Gabriel sniffed the air, walking in his direction. Gabriel also sniffed him. Aziraphale used the opportunity to lock the collar around his neck. The archangel froze in place.

“What is this?”

“It’s a present dear. It’s to make you more handsome. Crowley will like it”

Gabriel grinned at him. Aziraphale thought it looked rather stupid. The next moment, he was running away from him. Knocking the newly organized books from their places.

The angel followed, getting to the room in the exact moment when Gabriel was pulling the demon away from his blankets cave by his legs and mounting him. Aziraphale knelled in mattress, a chain made of light appearing on his hands.

“Don’t pin him in bed, dear”

Gabriel huffed, looking suspiciously at the angel and closed his wings around the demon, cocooning him away from the view. 

“No, dear. Ugly boy” Aziraphale yanked the chain, dragging the archangel behind and immobilized his head. He growled trying to fight back. “You can’t press him. You will hurt your pup.”

Gabriel stopped resisting. Aziraphale held the chain a little less firm but didn’t let him move.

“Spin around dear. Now.”

Crowley looked up to him. A faint light of understanding in his and got on his forearms and knees. His ass pressed against the bulge in Gabriel’s pants. Aziraphale snapped his fingers, miracling the front of his pants open.

“Go on.”

The archangel didn’t lose time trying to get rid of the rest of his clothes, he just pushed the skirt of Crowley’s dress away and sank his face between his folds finding them warm and wet and liking a tentative strip. The demon meowed. In the next moment, he was pressing inside with a loud growl and receiving a weeping moan in response. 

The bed made a loud cracking sound with the force of it. The archangel’s hands were holding Crowley’s hips firmly, urging his legs wide apart, until the demon let his body fall forward, face first in the mattress. Aziraphale circled the bed, sitting in front of the redhead. He grabbed a fistful of his hair, yanking his head back. Crowley moaned.   
“Lazy demon. Don’t lay on your stomach. Stay” 

Crowley protested with a whine, supporting himself with one hand. The other searched for the angel’s face and bringing it close. They exchanged more of a lick than a kiss. He held the demon’s weight in his arms, petting his hair and kissing along his jawline. 

The archangel grabbed his arms, pushing the demon back powerfully, growling. Crowley let out a happy yap. He pressed in hard, holding him against his chest and keeping the demon kneeling before him. Aziraphale rolled his eyes. He gave him a quick peck too. It seemed to easy the alpha a little. 

He passed an arm around the demon’s chest, keeping him in place to trust roughly. Crowley’s head fell back on his shoulder and he moaned. The archangel grabbed the back of his hair, immobilizing his head, and started to mouth his neck around the place his marking bite was. His eyes were glowing again and his movements grew uncertain and more rude. His knot had started to swell and Aziraphale was a little bit concerned again.

He pulled the chain, bringing Gabriel’s body closer, and, consequently, Crowley’s. The demon firmed himself on all fours in the mattress with a huff, but the archangel on top of him didn’t even mind this time, to focus on his alpha’s rut. Aziraphale secured the chain firmly, stopping the other angel to move around too much or trying to press Crowley’s belly too hard, and restraining him to shallow movements that wouldn’t harm the baby. 

When the knot caught and the archangel came inside of his omega remarking him,  
he fell to the side, bringing the demon with him. He pressed his eyes for a moment and they returned to the natural color.

“Hi.” He said.

“Hi” The demon answered, nudging the inside of his arm. 

“Ugh” He fidgets with his collar discovering that he couldn’t take it out “This is embarrassing” 

“Sorry, dear. I was rather afraid you could lose control. Don’t really know how alpha ruts work” Aziraphale chuckled amused and not guilty at all.

“I feel stupid” 

“You look stupid”

Gabriel smacked him with one of his wings. Aziraphale laughed. 

“I think it’s cute.” The omega said, smiling, but in a way, it maybe meant that he also thought it to be stupid “How long does it go?”

“Like three days? I should have warned. Forgot it would be this soon”

“Are you like this all the time? Like, not yourself? Not your conscious self at least?” 

“No, it’s an occasional thing. I’m usually normal during the rut on a regular basis. I think it happened because of the bound. Will get very very horny thought the rest of it but most likely won’t lose control again. Won’t be needing this anymore, so, with someone could be kind and take it off...”

Crowley slapped Aziraphale’s hand before he could snap his fingers.

“Being kind is not included in the whole demonic thing, babe. Sorry. It’s not happening” He got the chain from the angel’s hands and it turned red on his. “I want to have my turn first”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea that with one side of the couple enters into heat the other has it too (until they match). May write a little sequel if I'm in the mood. I'm still not sure how to handle my bois Hastur and Ligur


	6. Hastur and Ligur make a move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short stupid one. Turns I have a lot of unrelated ideas for this fic and have to find a way to connect then.

Hastur and Ligur had been skulking around for some time now.

At first, Hastur was a bit mad. He couldn’t believe his impeccable plan for taking Crowley down for his obvious wicked deeds would blow so hard on his face. I mean, Crowley was wrong. He was a traitor. He was plotting with the enemy. Hastur was just doing the right, wrong, thing snitching on him. The head office should be thankful for his help. And how is he rewarded? He was sent to babysit Crowley!

But, on a second tough, Hastur was even madder, because he figured out the other demon was speaking the truth. On the first day from his new punishment (he refuse to call it an assignment) he saw one different archangel left the house and the same one was back as well. This one, Gabriel, came around often and stayed for some time. One time, he came with a rumble of thunder and a lightning bolt that fried the floor it landed in, which would have given him a heart attack if he had a heart. This time, he stayed for three whole days and Hastur was pretty disgusted to discover why (he would never forgive himself for taking a look from that damn window!). 

It was not hard to assume from there that the other guy who lived with Crowley was an angel as well. A guard dog! Now he would have to be much more careful to watch, approach and -if his wildest dreams allowed- murder Crowley. He was just so thankful for Ligur’s volunteering to help him with it he could kiss him if kisses weren’t disgusting.

They lurked around for a few days, analyzing the house routine and plotting their next move. Meanwhile, they blend with humans. Humans were so easy to fool. No one would notice to demons living inside their neighborhood. They didn’t even dream about the danger they were into! 

Ligur even built a koi pond. It was something humans liked, he said. It would be easier for them to be accepted in the community if the humans thought them to be these harmless fellas who loved fish.

All the fish died for some reason. And then they ate them. Ligur got sad. 

Hastur decided it was time to make a move to cheer him up.  
…  
“They are playing in the mud again” Crowley had been watching Hastur and Ligur’s suspicious moves, suspiciously. 

They had taken no initiative to approach, communicate, or -thank someone- break into the house. Yet.

Aziraphale looked over his shoulder. 

“Looks like they are having fun”.

“Hastur doesn’t know what fun is” He spat. The other demons' presence was making him nervous.

“Well, the next-door kids seem to like them”.

Crowley rolled his eyes.

Some days ago, Ligur had dug a hole in the front yard. Crowley assumed it must be related to some sinister, but not very smart, plan. However, the demon proceeded to fill it with water and then throw some fish inside it. A couple of hours later it was a mess of mud and Ligur was inside it hugging the dead fish.

Crowley just couldn’t get what type of threatening message they were trying to send. Maybe it was some new variation from “sleep with the fishes” he never heard of.

Anyway, Crowley was pretty much unhappy with the whole situation. First, because both never bothered to fix the hole and the mess of mud started to attract a lot of frogs. Hastur, Ligur, and the neighborhood kids seemed pretty much content with the mud and the frogs. So, now, not only his personal miniature Eden was always full of frogs and he couldn’t sleep because said frogs wouldn’t shut the fuck up, but also kids and mud produced a lot of dirt. And with “a lot of dirt” it means there where muddy handprints everywhere, including on his precious Bentley. 

This kept him on edge for a couple of days. The morning sickness was getting worse and he was very, very close from going full ape shit. And then someone knocked on the door.

“I understand you need a nanny.”

Crowley took a head to toe look on the swamp Mary Poppins. He could have said the kid wasn’t even born and ask what the Heaven would he would a nanny for, but it probably would need an explanation about what is exactly a nanny and why one needs one for, but he was just too tired. He closed the door at Hastur’s face.  
…  
“Are you sure he is okay? Isn’t dangerous he going missing like that?” Anathema was holding the cup of tea with both hands.

She and Aziraphale had decided to start a once a week book club. But today, especially, they were going to watch a movie. You see, Newton had finally managed to fix the TV -that he had broken in the first place- and insisted that this deserved a celebration! With snacks!

“It’s tickety-boo, dear girl. Don’t worry. Crowley does that when he needs some alone time. He will come back. Generally, he just needs some time sleeping, but you know, the frogs...”

The doorbell rang. 

Newton took a break from the pancakes he was trying to make to answer it. Turns out it’s very difficult to flip them over like those guys on TV and now there was a pancake in the ceiling, another in the trash can (that previously have been on Anathema’s head) and no pancakes in the plates.

“Hello, fellow neighbor! I’m afraid my cat got into your house. Do you mind give me him back? I can enter and look for it myself if it isn’t much trouble.”

Newt was almost sure all the windows were closed and there was no way a cat got in. He would know it. He was allergic to cats and his nose would have transformed into a waterfall by now if a cat had got into the house. But he let the man got in anyway. It wouldn’t be polite if he didn’t.

The new neighbor paid him no mind, just entering inside his house as it belonged to him.

“Here you are, you ugly boy!” He said, getting into the kitchen.

Aziraphale, Anathema, and Newt froze watching the man get a huge orange lizard from the top o the fridge and place it on top of his head instead. 

“I tough you said it was a cat…?”

“His name is cat. Loved what you guys did with the decoration here.” He said, pointing to the pancake glued at the ceiling.

Newt scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed. “It was an accident, actually. Trying to flip the pancakes and...”

The man wrinkled his nose. “I get it. Pancakes are not really my thing too. But I can make these crepes that are just scrumptious...”  
…  
Crowley was feeling really more relaxed now. Some sleep and some mischief were just what he needed. London authorities will wonder where all the traffic signs have gone for quite some time. He managed to find those glow in the dark stars as well.

Aziraphale wasn’t home when he arrived. He was not on his bookshop either. So, he must be at Ana’s house. 

He didn’t mind knocking at the door. Neither Anathema nor Newt knocked at his door as well, so…

“Angel, look what I got...” Crowley froze seeing Ligur spread across the couch. 

“She is a princess now. He kissed a princess!” Ligur cried at the television, apparently too shaken by the plot of The Princess and The Frog to notice his presence. 

Aziraphale got up from his place, walking in his direction. Ligur’s lizard was placed on his shoulder.

“Angel” He breathed. “What” He shooed the animal away. “The fuck.”

“The crepes Crowley! The crepes!” He cried and Crowley understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hastur uses the exact same, although more disheveled and less sexy, clothes used as nanny Ash in the show.  
> Of course, the easier way to buy Aziraphale is with food, and the easier way to buy Crowley is with Aziraphale. So, you won this round Ligur. I will be watching you.


	7. Uriel's introduction to mischief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley's alone time a London.   
> A demon and an archangel bound.

Crowley congratulated himself for the decision of taking some alone time as soon as he heard the engine purr. The Bentley was happy to drive him all the way back to London. He could have gone somewhere else, but London just felt right. It was where his bed was. He enjoyed breaking a couple of traffic laws before getting back to his flat. 

His plants were gone as well of the majority of his stuff: his music albums, his electronics, and at least half of his impressive dark glasses collection. But his bed was there, silk sheets and his miraculous clean bedroom -it knew better than accumulate dust- where he happily fell face first. He had to enjoy moments like this before they became impossible with the size of his belly growing every day.

He took a well-deserved nap that may have taken some hours or a whole week. Who knows. It was instantly refreshing. Crowley stretched around the flat and checked if there was anything he wanted to bring to the cottage. Most of his clothes had been left behind. But they didn’t fit him anymore anyway. Sure, he could just miracle new ones as he was currently doing with the new dresses, although now that he had someone not stuck on last century fashion -Gabriel didn’t like to miracle his clothes. All of his suits were tailored and Crowley suspected that his collection might be more expensive then his car- the idea of going shopping was really enticing. But not today. 

He had being to busy playing happy human family with Aziraphale that he was starting to forget what he really was: a demon, a tempter, an entity of chaos, an evil omen, a dear boy. See? Aziraphale was getting into his head again. He decided he had to go out and cause some mischief. 

He let the Bentley parked at a prohibited parking space and proceeded on foot. 

Today was one of these days. Miracly sunny. Almost no traffic. Birds were chirping. Kids were running around and laughing. Almost as an angel had just passed by. But Aziraphale was away, it was just a lot of happy coincidences. He couldn’t just let it be. No, no, no. It would be an insult to his reputation. He wondered what would happen if he moved that “turn left” sign to the other side…  
…  
Uriel was having one of these days. Apparently, everyone had just forgotten they have responsibilities. First, Gabriel would go missing for hours without notice, letting behind piles of paperwork to be filled, his office empty and all his duties with his subordinates uncared for. She had watched his back, coming with excuses when Michael or Sandalphon came looking for him.

Now that they had talked this out and fixed the issue, Aziraphale seemed to have forgotten why he lived in London other than accumulate material things and date demons. Sure, Gabriel could cover for him himself. It was his subordinate and his archangel-demon baby anyway. But Uriel had the feeling that to forge reports was not enough and this place could use some good deeds just because.

Okay. This was more difficult than she thought. How could Aziraphale handle this alone? Why are those humans so complicated? She was pretty sure she just miracled some happiness onto this man, why is he yelling now? Why is everyone yelling and making their cars scream as well?

The demon Crowley just closed the little energy box. All the traffic lights were stuck glowing in red now. She spotted him from the other sidewalk. He was wearing this oversized black and orange jacket. He waved at her. They started to cross the street at the same time. The demon placed a “road work” sign in the middle of it. A man smashed his hand at his steering wheel. The cars behind him followed his angry in a honk pandemonium. 

“I don’t make the rules, sweetheart. Just trying to work here.” The demon said at him, smiling. 

“Hum, Hi,” The archangel said. “What are you doing?”

“Here in London? Taking personal time. Doing some work.”

“You got a job with construction?”

“No. Just found this sign. Maybe in a construction.”

Uriel followed the demon back to the side he had come from. She watched him removing a “stop” and just casually caring it around.

“Wait. YOU are doing it? You are causing this mess?”

Crowley frowned at her. “It’s my job”

“I’ve been trying to cover for Aziraphale all day and you just spoiled it like that? No wonder he never got anything done!”

“Excuse me, my angel does exactly what needs to be done. He was the only reason this city didn’t fall apart completely before”

“Yes. Because you were wrecking it all!”

“No, no, no. What is Aziraphale job? To thwart the evil ways. And if there are no evil ways, there is no job. So, you are welcome for my help.”

“If he didn’t have to fix the things you do, we could send him somewhere else that really needs him and everyone here would be happier”

“You don’t know humans as we do. They can’t be happy all the time. If all the days are sunny, they will forget to appreciate the sun. It’s the same for all the other aspects of their lives. If everything is good, they go apathetic. They need to feel confused, and angry and sad sometimes, because then when something good happens, they will be more thankful”

Uriel looked back to the traffic mess Crowley had worked in all day. A lot of people were pissed and aggressive and some even fighting. But there a lot of people talking with his loved ones inside of their cars or strangers in the next vehicle. There were even some teens on top of a van appreciating the sun. 

“Also, it’s very fun” The demon lowered his glasses, giving her a sharp smile. “Come with me”

Uriel followed the demon to his car. He threw the sign at his back sit with a bunch more. The archangel fell forward started, suddenly onto the sidewalk to avoid the mess the streets had become. A lot of pedestrians had to jump out of the way, cursing, as the demon drove like a mad man. 

“You could learn a little, you know? Don’t think I will be able to keep this up for a long time” He got his hands out of the steering wheel, cupping his belly. The car kept going on it’s on.

“Ha! You wish. Cover up for ‘your angel’ is more than enough fiend.”

“Your loss” He stuck his forked tongue out. “But really, give it a try. Look, look, see that police car? I dare you to steal a traffic cone”

“Crowley, I won’t...” But the car door had opened on it’s one and the demon shoved her out. “Crowley!” 

“Go!” The demon mouthed. The car kept going, very, very slowly to give her a chance to catch up.

She approached the cones, gingerly. The officer was talking on his phone. She grabbed the cone.

“Hey!”

She ran.

“Drive! Drive! Drive!” Crowley laughed, the engine roared and they were gone before the man could get to them. Uriel was breathing hard, even though she didn’t need to breathe.

“See? Fun!”

“Shut up.”

Crowley parked the car at a prohibited parking spot again, placing a sign at the sidewalk that said the other way around. Uriel followed the demon into a park, carrying the cone without knowing what to do with it.

The demon got it from her hands, placing it victoriously on top of the head of a statue and clapped his hands. A child that was watching them also clapped. Uriel couldn’t stop herself from smiling. 

“I want to do one”.

She discreetly removed the “don’t step on the grass” sign. Crowley was already waiting for her in one of those swan-boats. They pedaled to the center of the lake where Uriel placed the sign, giggling. 

Before she could say something, she felt a powerful energy emanating from above. She pushed the demon out of the boat.

“Oh no. This poor pregnant woman is drowning” She said, loud, before sticking her arms into the water.   
“Good job, Uriel”. Michael said, when she stepped out of the lake, walking over the lake with a not-drowning-anymore human in her arms. 

The lake was no deeper than knee-deep, but the other archangel didn’t need to know. Thank God Crowley’s glasses had decided to stay on his face during the process.

“Thank you!” He said, loudly, hugging the woman who had saved his life. And quieter, away from Michael’s ears “I’ll be here for a while. Tell Gabriel I will tag along if he pretends to go jogging, will you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, Uriel, I can't take you aNyWhErE.  
> I'm free this week, so, more chapters might happen if I feel inspired.


	8. Butts and Ducks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a porn chapter, but not hot porn, just very stupid.  
> Guys, I just want to say I'm so fucking grateful. Never thought I would feel so much support from people I don't even know. I'm not answering the comments because I feel I would overthink a lot of stuff and I'm just trying to take it easy for now, but I actually cryed reading them. So, thank you, again.  
> We will be back to our regular levels of stupidity now.

Two days later Crowley was back to the park. He had his hair in a high ponytail and started the circuit slowly. He had found his holographic leopard print leggings, and added some neon pink leg warmers and sports top because of course, he did. 

It didn't take long for him to hear someone trotting behind him. And then in the front.

Gabriel turned to face him but remained jogging.

“Heard Uriel saved a pregnant woman from drowning the other day. Pretty impressive, hm?”

Crowley chuckled, letting the archangel run past him. Hate to see them leave, but love to watch them go. His sweatpants were kinda loose, but they hugged his arse just fine. The demon’s mouth watered, watching him run until he took a turn and disappeared behind the trees.

A feel minutes later, he was passing him again. This time, Crowley slapped the ass. The archangel chuckled.

The third time, he came running faster, circling him just enough to give him a peck on the nose and then returning to the original route.

“Aren’t you supposed to run with me?” He screamed, turning his head in his direction as he runs away.

“I said I would tag along! Running wasn’t mentioned!” He yelled back, seeing the angel laugh and vanish again. 

He got tired after a couple more encounters, stopping by the lake and retrieving a little bag of seeds from the air and throwing them to the ducks or at the ducks. Aziraphale had prohibited him from feeding the ducks bread since he learned it was bad for them. The angel wasn’t here right now, but he was a hundred percent sure that if he did, Aziraphale would feel wherever he was and get disappointing at him. 

The whole pregnancy affair was making him feel tired faster. He was avoiding using too many demonic miracles as the need for a nap increased significantly, as well as other things…

Gabriel noticed he had to get out of the path and stopped by. Watching in silence the ducks being fed, as well as his demon promoting some duck rivalry giving more attention to some ducks than to others. Crowley felt a jealous arm circling his waist possessively. A duck sank. 

“No!” Crowley pressed his cheeks with his hands, bringing Gabriel’s face closer to his. “You are supposed to be the good guy!”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and the duck was back, letting out an outraged quack.

“Tired?”

“Yeah. Can’t understand why would you enjoy this.”

He shrugged. “Why do you enjoy sleeping?” 

“Well, now I NEED to sleep. Thanks to you. That’s why I’m here”

“Those demons are messing with you?” His eyes glowed in lilac and he growled “I can take care of them”

“I’d love to watch that” The demon purred against his ear “But it’s just some regular frogs and I don’t want you shooting lightning bolts at animals, especially if I will have to remove carbonized frogs from my garden after”

Crowley hugged his neck. The curve of his belly wouldn't let him press their bodies together the way he wanted to.

“You look good in these clothes you know? Your usual is too formal. It hides your body” To prove his point, the demon lowered his hug, squeezing the angel’s butt instead. 

“I’m sorry if not everyone feels good vacuum packed, sunshine”

“I’m not saying you should dress like me. I’m saying some times feels nice to show of our...handsome features” Saying that, he poked his tongue out and grabbed the archangel’s dick. 

“Crowley! We are in public!” Funny that he did nothing about the hand slowly stroking him over his pants.

“No one is watching, sunshine. Maybe the ducks. But I don’t think they care… They are all bastards.”

“You have no fucking decency on you, has you fiend? Michael almost caught you the other day”

Crowley was too busy to care about Michael’s opinion. The archangel’s cock was rock hard against his sweatpants, too big for him to be able to find a way to hide it. A job well done. 

“Come on, I’m fine now”

The demon guided him by the hand back to the trail. The archangel followed reluctantly. 

“There are too many humans...” He tried to hide behind him when a couple passed by.

“You want to take me to a dessert place, hum? Naughty angel.” He chuckled.

“This is definitely not what I said...” But he demon was grinning and he probably would be able to smell the omega’s arousal from his office in Heaven. He had already lost. “Bratty demon”

The redhead laughed, pushing him into a massive dense bush. He tripped over a tree branch and fell on his back. A man of red hair was on his face next. 

This little place was very well hidden by a light-blocking green wall by one side and the lake by the other. Maybe someone with very good vision or binoculars would be able to see them from the other bank, but that’s just the risk you take when wearing binoculars or the price you pay for having good vision unlike the rest of us.

“It’s too close from the path you know”. He said, watching the demon sitting on top of his legs “They will still be able to hear us. And by us, I mean you”

“They can pretend it’s just ducks for the sake of their minds. Horny ducks. Don’t know, don’t care” And the demon was already yanking his pants down.

Gabriel would have thanked God for snake demon’s ability to lack a gag reflex if he didn’t think it would be disrespectful. The redhead sharp nails traced his hip bones teasingly, making the archangel trust forward in instinct. The demon smiled around his dick. His elongated forked tongue could completely wrap around him as he bobbed his head up and down, cupping his balls gently in his hands. 

The archangel let out a satisfied noise trough his nose grabbing the ponytail for balance. He didn’t even mind the fact that he was laying butt naked in the grass. 

The demon’s hand went to his pants, fighting the waistband angrily.

“Why everything you have is to tight?”

Crowley let go his dick with a wet “pop”.

“You could help instead of question my style”

“It’s getting kinda weird the frequency in which ‘vanishing clothes’ is appearing at my miracle reports, you know?”

“Helping struggling people to fix their accidentally torn clothes would be a great additional good deed to your files instead, wouldn’t it?” The demon, smiled, baring his fangs.

“You have a point.”

The angel sat up, pulling the demon to his lap (the best way he could, with the belly it was getting rather impractical) and separated his legs. With virtually no effort, he ripped the fabric apart, and now it looked like an environmental crime against a very rare, endangered species of rainbow neon leopard.

Crowley licked his jawline, dragging a growl out of the angel’s throat. He pulled his panties out of the way, sinking his teeth at the skin of Gabriel’s at the same time he sank his body at the archangel’s dick. Both left out a soft moan. 

Crowley pushed the archangel away, making him lay on his back again as he started to raise and lower his body slowly. Gabriel thrust his hips in the opposite direction. The demon let a sweet mewl slip. His claws dig in the archangel’s broad chest, letting a series of suspicious-looking marks behind. The archangel grabbed the bottom of his tight for support, squeezing it lightly. The other hands resting against the curve of his belly, lovingly.

The demon threw his head behind, biting his lip.

“Fuck. Pup, I… Wait, you heard that?” He suddenly stopped.

“What?” The archangel looked around, irritated.

The demon lowered himself closer -at the list as close as his belly was permitting anyway- to his face and whispered. “Gabriel I don’t want to alarm you, but there may be a goose or geese here. We may be at a goose next right now”

“What?”

“Shhh. They can smell your fear!”

A chirping sound came from the bushes. The archangel laughed.

“It’s just a baby, sunshine”

“Don’t touch it! It has parents!”

But Gabriel had already touched it.

Crowley ran away.

An evil shaped feathered thing landed on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Gabriel proceeded to hide butt naked on the top of a tree from the geese for five hours. Then they remember they are super powerful beings and could miracle themselves away at any time.


	9. Congratulations, it's a problem

Two weeks have passed.

Crowley still didn’t trust Aziraphale’s newfound food relationship with Ligur and, consequently, with Hastur. But, he found it was easier to keep an eye on them if they were around. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, isn’t it? So, now two demons, an angel and a pet lizard were playing Jenga in the living room.

Crowley was watching them, suspiciously. Probably he shouldn’t let Newt alone with his sound system – the man was pretty curious since he discovered it, somehow, worked without electricity or batteries and he was trying to figure it out- but he couldn’t stop himself from checking on his angel every five seconds. 

“How far along are you again?” Anathema asked, flinching when the machine started making the sound of dying whales on fire. 

The demon turned around to face her. He had forgotten she was there as well. “About four months. Almost five.”

“Are you sure? It looks like a six, maybe a seven...”

It was true. Although it seemed normal at first, his body was starting to change faster than he expected. He even seemed to be developing these little breasts. Aziraphale found them cute. He wondered what would Gabriel think about it the next time he stopped by. 

“I don’t mean to offend you, okay? But...” She whispered the last part “Are you sure Gabriel is the father?”

The demon’s eyes widened. The poor girl seemed so embarrassed, biting her lip and looking away, but with a real sparkle of curiosity in her eyes. She was probably gathering the courage to ask that for some time now. It takes more to offend someone ho works for Hell. He laughed. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Don’t know. Maybe is more than one?” He shrugged, at this point, he was starting to be really afraid it would be just a bunch of snakes.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Didn't you go to the doctor or something?” Newt’s head emerged from behind the sound system. His hair was on fire.

“Wow. You are going to make a terrible mother” Hastur pointed. 

“Shut the fuck up Hastur!”  
…  
Crowley was sitting on the couch, his arms crossed. 

“See what you did? We will have to go to the doctor now. Do you know what they gonna say? ‘Hey, is it a boy or a girl? Oh, no. It’s an eldritch horror!’ And then they will have a heart attack. Thank you Hastur, you just killed the doctor!”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes. “You are making a fuss, dear. We don’t need to go to the doctor. Not a real doctor at least. It’s a shame we can’t just talk to some of the healers in Heaven. It would be easier”.

Crowley huffed. “You told them Uriel has what profession? Maybe if we ask her...”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait! Why can’t you talk with the healer angels?” Hastur narrowed his eyes.

“Hum….? They have never seemed angel-demon babies, so they won’t know how to help…?” Aziraphale corrected, quickly. 

“So, we can call someone from Hell to give it a look, hm? It’s going to be the same thing” Ligur pointed.

“No. Because… Hell doesn't have healers.”

“If Crowley is calling Uriel, I’m calling someone.” Hastur smiled “Thanks to you, it’s my job now to cover any offering their side makes, so...”  
…  
Newton had to put his head out of the window to make sure his eyes weren’t lying to him. Neither did he know those bird medieval doctors were still a thing, nor that some of them were obstetricians. Gabriel’s sister who had just appeared -possibly teleporting, since Newt hadn’t seemed she parking her car - in the middle of the yard seemed as surprised as him.  
…  
The demon took off her mask, smiling with shark teeth at the angel who just answered the door. 

“Hi, I’m the official Hell’s pediatrician. Is the demon Crowley home?”

“Dagon.” Crowley acknowledged from the living room. “Since when you are the official that thing you said?”

“Since this morning.”

“Great”.

“I’m sorry, my dear, but how much do you know about medicine?”

“Nothing?”

“Even better.” Crowley threw his head behind, running his fingers through his hair.

Uriel didn’t knock when she entered.

“Huh, Hi? Aziraphale, Crowley, is everything okay? Who is t…?”

“Hi!” The demon extended her hand. “I’m Dagon. You must be Archangel Uriel, correct? May I ask what are you doing here?”

“Probably the opposite of what you are doing…?”

“It’s a good answer. I’m not offering you to go first because it would be the polite thing to do and that rather the point, isn’t it?”

“Hell’s office decided they deserve the chance to send someone to check on the baby too” Aziraphale explained.

“Let’s get over with it. I’m not getting up from the couch!” Crowley said. 

“Okay, maybe you should get your clothes off?” She snapped her fingers, preventing him from stopping her.

“Hey! What are these?” Uriel asked.

“Tiddies.” Dagon explained.

Uriel rolled her eyes. “I know what breast are, demon. You didn’t have them the last time I saw you”

“They just decided to grow, you know? It’s...” 

But Dagon interrupted. “Oh, I know this one!”

She fished a book from her briefcase. It was a worn-out sex-ed book for kids. She turned the dirtied pages, looking for something.

“It means you are going trough…puberty!” 

Crowley and Aziraphale stared at her, exchanged glances, and stared at her again. “I’m pretty sure that’s… not the case, dear girl”

“You will let the doctor decide that, huh? Let’s see...” 

She lowered her face down, an inch from the belly. Crowley flinched uncomfortably. Then, she -almost gently- poked it. 

“Hey!”

“It’s a medical procedure!” 

“No, it’s not!”

She poked it again. It poked her back. She gasped.

“Uriel, help!”

“Is it kicking? Oh, Lord, it’s kicking. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It just started some days ago and…” But Uriel was ignoring him now and just proceeded to poke the other side. She gasped as well.

“Angel!”

“Everyone, stop. You are distressing Crowley. And the baby.” Aziraphale took the women’s hands away, sitting by Crowley’s feet at the couch and putting the demon’s legs on his lap. “Just lower your voices and stop scaring the baby, ok? It has to feel safe.”

Both archangel and demon held their breaths, keeping their hands away.

Crowley was so fucking thankful for Aziraphale’s patience and softness. Ever since the beginning of this, he had been nothing but perfect. The angel rubbed his hands together producing cold white light, he lowered his palms slowly, irradiating soothing energy, like a shower for a fever. The demon hummed.

“Hello, my dear”. He said, smiling when he felt something pressing back against both of his hands.

“What are you doing?” Uriel asked, her eyes glowing with curiosity.

“Humans say babies can hear and recognize voices in the womb”

Uriel left out the smallest gasp, lowering her face closer to the demon’s belly. Even working for their department, alphas don’t get to have the most contact with pregnant omegas anyway.

“Hello, baby. It’s auntie Uriel” She whispered, pressing her palm against the bump “Oh, Lord. It’s bumping my hand!”

Dagon crawled back to her place, pressing both of her hands in the bump. Crowley was starting to get a little annoyed with everyone touching him, especially someone with so many teeth.

“Fuck!” She whispered “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”

“Don’t swear at the baby!” Aziraphale complained.

“He likes it! It’s punching my hand!”

“Wait? It’s touching you? It’s poking both of my hands!”

“It’s also nudging mine...?”

“Oh, no.” The official Hell’s pediatrician said. “The baby has four arms”

“Or it’s twins” 

“Oh, no. It’s twins.”

Uriel got up, clapping excitedly. She pushed the demon away. “Oh my God. The game is over. Let me get a real check” Her hands light up with yellow light “Gabriel is not going to believe it!”


	10. Old Michael can't come to the phone right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys answer some questions in the end notes? Thanks.

“Michael, hypothetically speaking, if one of us discovered Hell is plotting something really big, any means for thwarting it would be valid, right?”

Michael raised their head. They looked a bit annoyed with the report they were reading. Maybe it was not a good time. “If it’s for the greater good…Why? Heard about something?”

“It’s too soon for me to say something concrete, just checking” Gabriel exchanged a puzzled look with her from the other side of the room.

“If there was something coming, Michael back channels would gossip about it”.He said, not looking in their direction.

They raised an eyebrow. “What back channels? You think I would know about it?”

“Well, if someone is to know… It’s not like you tell us everything anyway” Sandalphon pointed.

“You all are teaming up against me, huh? It’s just like Uriel said. The end justifies the means.” They said, defensively. 

“We are not implying anything Michael” Gabriel was looking convincingly serious

“So, I could check you back channels, if there were any, to make sure it’s a rumor, right?”

“There are no back channels Uriel. Are we over now? Can you get this back to Metatron when you live? Tell them to stop archiving his papers in my stuff.”

“Sure Michael”  
…  
“What the Hell was that about Uriel?”

Uriel didn’t have the time to talk to him, just nodding for the other archangel to follow her into the less used hallways. “Did you tell Sam?”

“No, he just likes being an asshole. And that exactly why I’m not telling him. What is going on?”

“It was a great thing he did it actually. Now I guess Michael will be away from here today, so we won’t have to worry too much about it”

“About it what, Uriel?!”  
…  
Uriel was hugging Aziraphale. And Crowley. And even Dagon. If that smelly frogman was here she would hug him too. “Oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord!” She was jumping? She was jumping. “It’s definitely more than one!”

“Well, demon heats use to be more animal-like, as well as we are used to having small litters too. Angels have just one, yeah? Azie told me. Two or three would be the in-between, I guess?”

“I can’t really see it, because your powers are mixing with mine and, probably with theirs too, so it’s really foggy. But by all means, it’s two. God! Gabriel will freak out!”

“Well, I guess it’s all solved them”. Dagon said. They had already forgotten her existence.

“How so?”

“Well, if it’s two babies, it’s one for us and...”

“Wow, wow, wow! I’m not giving any of them...”

“It’s not up for you to decide Crowley. This is not even my opinion, it’s just what is obviously going to happen. Give and it will be given, right?”

“Heavens won’t concede”

“Greedy angels, huh? Can’t be happy with just one baby, you want all for yourselves. What happened with ‘Do not neglect to do good and to share with others, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God’?”

“What do you know about God’s will demon? Do not…”

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” She raised her hands in defeat. “It’s not what I think, I just said that! For me, you are completely right Crowley. Stick with your interests, because no one will. No one can blame a demon for being selfless, yeah? But it will be charged, so watch your back.” She repacked her things again and grabbed her doctor mask, turning to Uriel before putting it back. “I’m sure the head office will be entering in contact with yours soon, Archangel.”  
…  
“About they getting the call before us”

“Call? What call?”

Uriel opened the metal door. The room was loaded from floor to ceiling with unimportant archives of millennia ago. Very rarely someone needed something from it. In the middle of a wall between two bookshelves, there was one very old red telephone.

“Now, will you, please, explain to me what is going on?”

“Do you remember when we were talking about the differences when angels and demons conceive? And demons have a more ‘animal-like’ behavior? So, when Crowley said that thing about a bunch of snakes he wasn’t really kidding, it’s just commonplace for demons to have small litters and...”

The phone rang. 

Uriel rushed to answer it. “Hello, huh… Heavens?”

“Hello, is it Archangel Michael?”

“No, it’s Archangel Uriel. Michael is...unavailable.”

“Look, Ma'am, I’m just an intermediary. I really need to talk to them or at least schedule a meeting. Boss isn’t taking a ‘no’ for an answer...”

“No.”  
“Uriel, what the fuck” Gabriel shakes her shoulder.

“Give me the phone” A muffled voice came from the other side. “Here is the King of Hell. Put Michael on the phone”

“Michael and I have the same hierarchy position. Anything you want to talk to them you can talk to me”

“I was told they are the ones to deal with our common subjects. It would be easier to talk directly to them”

“Michael… Michael doesn’t want to talk to you”

The Lord of Hell laughed. “Oh, Michael thinks they are so important, so better than everyone, but goes around plotting with lower demons and now doesn’t want to talk to me? Tell them to grow up! It’s been thousands of years and they have to get over it!”

“I’m sorry, but they want me to handle the negotiations and avoid superfluous contact”

“Okay. Someone has to bigger entity here, huh? You know what I’m calling about. Our official pediatrician told us it’s more than one and I want to offer a deal”

“I’m aware of it. We already discussed it and refuse.”

“Excuse me?”

“We refuse. You are not getting anything for granted while we do all the work. We are not sharing.”

“Sharing what? Tell them we are not giving away any snakes!” Gabriel shakes her shoulder again.

“What snakes?” Lucifer said.

“There are no snakes” Uriel shushed the other Angel. “Just a mix of conversations here”

“Think you are so smart, isn’t it archangel? Don’t forget we are the tempters here. Do you really think I can’t make someone, a demon, change his mind? I was trying to be fair here… How ironic, isn’t it? But you will regret denying my lenience. Then you will see, at the war, who has all the super soldiers and secret snakes… You will see!” 

The devil hung up.

“Gabriel!”

“What?! You come up with a crazy story about snakes and them talks with Satan on the phone and what do you want me to do?”

“There are no snakes, you just didn’t let me finish! Aziraphale called me to pretend to be a doctor and I did a little miracle check to see if everything was okay, and the babies started kicking and it was so cute! And I talked to them to teach them to recognize my voice...”

“Babies?”

“Ah, yes. Is at least twins. Isn’t it great?”   
…  
Lucifer threw the phone at a pig-bat demon flying nearby, snarling angrily.

“Michael thinks they are so superior, huh? Think they are doing all the work? I will show them… We need ideas, now. You!”

The disoriented pig-bat demon looked confused, not understanding the question.

“What?” 

Satan grabbed him and threw through the window.

“Huh, my Lord?” A small white spider demon spoke, her voice low, almost afraid to be heard “What if we had a gender reveal party? It’s a human thing. The closer family enjoys it, but everyone else is just uncomfortable. We can show them what can we do...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone tells him you need to know the gender to have a gender reveal party!  
> Since the beginning, I wanted to make it more than one, but I'm not sure if I'm making feral babies Adam and Warlock or if I pamper myself and create my own ineffable babies. What would you prefer?  
> Also, if it's a gender reveal party, it has to be a cake. What do you prefer:  
> A) Pink, it's a girl  
> B) Blue, it's a boy  
> C) Black, gender is meaningless, join the void  
> D) Ligur inside of a giant cake, because they don't understand human culture and made confusion with bachelor parties  
> E) Other, please tell me


	11. Can't believe I had to write this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I came up with the last notes I didn’t really know how this chapter was supposed to go and was out of ideas, so I came up with this joke and said to myself “This is too stupid even for this fic, no one will pay it mind and I will figure it out later...” But I was wrong. Apparently you all are really into Ligur inside of cakes, huh? I can’t believe I had to write something like that and make it looks like it makes any sense. So, enjoy!

Crowley finished installing the new cloud lamps. They shone in a calming way, without being connected to the electric system, first because the demon didn’t want to have Newt trying to make then work and starting a fire. Second, because he firmly believed they wouldn’t need energy to work, because clouds can produce their own bolts of lightning, so they didn’t.

Aziraphale pushed a giant box into the room.

“See, darling? I told you they were going to let us exchange for a bigger model. Such a considerate young man!”

“And no miracles involved in that negotiation I assume?” The demon grinned, stepping away from the stairs.

“Of course not!” Aziraphale exclaimed, offended. 

Crowley chuckled. “Open it. Let us see.”

Aziraphale snapped his fingers and all the white cradle parts where orderly displayed across the floor. 

“It seems like everything is here. Let me just...” He snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. He tried it a couple more times. It didn’t change a thing. “Ngk. My powers are off again.”

“Oh, dear! Is something wrong? Are you hurting?” 

“No. It’s this mix of essences again. Get me all weird. I guess you can do it then. Go on.”

“But you wanted to decorate the room!”

“This is not decorating. It’s just set up the cradle. I can push it where I want later. Or have you miracle it for me. Don’t know”

“We… We can do it together if you want. Like humans. It could be fun.”

“And also a waste of time. Don’t you have books to read?”

“Oh, come on! Don’t be grumpy. Where is the instruction manual?”  
…  
“Aziraphale?” A voice calls from the entrance.

“It’s me, pup. Angel is upstairs.” The demon smiled, from the kitchen doorstep. He gave the archangel a quick peck. 

Gabriel smiled. “Talked to Uriel. Seems like we have a lot to catch up, yeah?” He caressed the demon’s belly tenderly. 

“Of course. We are trying to set up the cradle. We purchased a bigger one. Why don't you take the drinks upstairs while I sort the cookies?”

Gabriel nodded, heading towards the stairs.

“Hello, sunshine.” Aziraphale was sitting on the floor trying to connect two pieces that clearly were not supposed to be connected. “Why are you fighting the furniture?”

“Crowley powers aren’t working. I don’t want him to feel off.” 

Gabriel chucked, but before he could say anything, the sound of metal falling to the floor echoed inside the house.

“Is everything okay, darling?” Aziraphale called, but there was no answer. “Crowley? Are you hurt?!”

Gabriel didn’t wait for an answer, running down the stairs. Aziraphale followed some steps behind. The tray was forgotten in the middle of the room and the cookies scattered on the floor. The front door was open.  
“Crowley?”  
…  
“The demon Crawly”. 

The blindfold was removed, reveling Lucifer’s red eyes. The redhead tasted his tongue as the gag was removed as well.

“It’s Crowley.”

“That was what I said. I apologize for the rough treatment. You don’t want to ruin the surprise, do you?”  
…  
“Are sure you don’t want us to call the police, Gabriel?” Anathema came running behind him, trying to keep up with him.

“They are not here!” Aziraphale called, getting out of the front door house.  
…  
“Walk, fiend!” An unknown demon elbowed him, making him follow trough the tree lines of the park. His hands were tied behind his back and even if they weren’t, it wouldn't be a better scenario without his powers.

He was worried. There were too many humans at this park and at this hour of the day. He tried to reach Gabriel trough the bound. Maybe, he could track him and…

“Here we are!” Satan, who has leading the march stopped. 

The other demons cleared the way and he approached him, pushing him. Thank God-er, in this case, probably thank Satan- someone had put a chair behind him. The devil took something from his coat. The movement from his hands was too fast for his lazy snake eyes to be able to catch what it was before a thin line was pressing his neck.

The King of Hell placed a little paper birthday hat on his head.

“Surprise!” He exclaimed and all the demon’s cheered. 

He opened his hands, revealing light blue and pink balloons decorating the trees. Some human kids with their families were playing around and cheering as well. Hastur appeared, pushing a card with a giant cake on top of it.   
“What the fuck.”

“Aren’t you happy? Your friends and family worked so hard to organize this gender reveal party for you”

“You have to know the gender to have a gender reveal party. What is this?! Is there a stripper inside this cake? Oh, Satan. Did you bake her INSIDE the cake?”

“Don’t be petulant Crawly. I’m not seeing any of your angel friends here supporting you, huh?”

“Yeah, cause you kidnapped me.”

“Don’t come with excuses for them!”  
…  
“Aziraphale back in Heaven? It’s not something we see every day” Sandalphon smiled.

“Having problems with your earthly assignments, Gabriel?” Michael watched them walk down the hallways.

“Just need to check some files. Have you seem Uriel?” Gabriel said, not caring to look at their direction.

“No. But it’s a good thing you are here now. We are receiving a good amount of angry praying from London. Would you know something about it Aziraphale?”

“Aziraphale is not on an assignment to London for now. He is helping me with something else.   
Your contacts have nothing to say about it?”

Their eyes moved suspiciously to Aziraphale, before add. “The line seems to have been...cut. Maybe Uriel has a point. I will talk to her.”

“No! There is no need. What I have to solve with her is quick. I can go down to London and check for anything… unusual”  
…  
The demons started a countdown, some humans including kids, their families, some lovers, an elderly couple, and a suspicious-looking clown followed. A young reporter filming nearby decided to watch for some cute images. Someone had tied Crowley’s hands in the chair and removed his sunglasses, exchanging for a heart-shaped pair with blue and pink lenses. No one seemed to think it was weird at all, congratulating him. 

Lucifer made the honors, approaching the cake with a frighteningly long life, which he used to cut out the top of it. He didn’t have the time to finish it when the whole thing imploded, revealing Ligur -who, by the state of his clothes, had indeed been baked inside the cake- and cat oh top of his head.  
“Gender is meaningless. Join the void!” He proclaimed. 

Some kids, because they agree gender is meaningless, above all if compared with the offer of chocolate, or because they don’t know and don’t care about what it means, attacked the decadent structure of the pastry. A lot of parents seemed offended by the show, but an equally significant number of humans clapped excitedly, probably thinking Ligur was trying to make some kind of statement here.  
However, the young reporter girl was the most excited of them all. She signalized for her cameraman to follow her as she approached Ligur with her microphone. 

“Today, St. James Park bear witness of a historic event! This activist, Mr. …?”

“Ligur…?”

“Mister Ligur is performing a protest against gender reveal parties and the imposing of gender norms...”

“Ligur, what the Heaven is this?” Hastur came by his side.

“Oh, here is another participant of the protest.”

“I’m no participant! I’m his part...”

“Oh, of course. Mr. Ligur partner came to support his protest against hetero-cis-normativity. As you can see, the chameleon on top of his is here to represent all the colors of LGBTQ+ flags and...and… This woman is here to represent the gender imposed chains of maternity… And this man wearing an angel costume… Oh, there is more. I don’t know what does it represent… Care to explain Mr. Ligur?”

Mr. Ligur was unavailable to answer because a real-life angel had just landed in the middle of his back.


	12. I throw feelings bread at you like you are my little ducklings.

Crowley teleported back to the cottage on Gabriel's arms. The electricity made the air smell like ozone. He always thought the light show to be pretty hot, but today, with the lighting making his hair fuss in all directions he questioned himself why the fuck Gabriel needed all these special effects instead of just teleport like a normal person-angel.

Uriel was just behind them. Aziraphale was the last, cleaning the dirt from his waistcoat and carrying a Tupperware full of cake that Ligur had given him as an apology. Anathema came running in their direction.

“Crowley, oh my gosh, where were you? What happened?”

“Oh, Hi Ana! It’s everything all right, I guess?”

“You were kidnapped.”

“To a surprise party!”

“It’s still kidnapping.”

“Yes, but just because they didn’t want to invite you”

“This is not any better sunshine”

Crowley and Gabriel exchanged a look. It was clear he wouldn’t be able to make the archangel any less pissed. “Ana, can we talk later?”

“Oh, okay. My door is open, so, when you are ready...” Anathema stopped on her tracks, standing in the garden while the rest of them entered the house.

“Why are you coming with excuses for them?” Gabriel shouted, lowering the demon on the sofa.

“I’m not! I just don’t want her to be worried for no reason!”

“But there is a reason! We were worried! I was worried!”

“And it’s not my fault! Why are you yelling with me?”

“I don’t know! I just…. Argh!” He covered his face with his hands, stomping to another sofa, loudly.

Uriel watched unimpressed. Aziraphale sat by his husband's side, covering the demon’s hand with his.

“I’m sorry, okay?” He sighed. “This is new to me. Everything is so confusing. Uri had just told me about the babies and it made everything sound more real, so I came here but suddenly you are gone and I was so preoccupied and we couldn’t contact anyone and I thought about all the worst scenarios but none of then involved cake and… Aziraphale is just so fucking calm I want to punch him!”

“My rage is silent.” Aziraphale pointed.

“Would you feel more comfortable with we told the rest of Heaven Gabe? In case we need a backup plan?” Uriel put her hand on his shoulder.

Crowley shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “What if we need a backup plan from Heaven? I’m not pleased with Hell, but for now, we at least know their approach isn’t violent.”

“I understand, and I agree. There is no way we can predict how they would react. But I don’t know how long we can keep it unnoticed… Outstandingly if I’m going to stay around more often to protect you if your powers aren’t working and if Hell think kidnapping is a friendly approach, I can’t imagine what would be a serious one”

“There is no need, dear. I believe I can protect him just fine” Aziraphale reassured.

“Sure, the fact that he was kidnapped from under your nose really proves it.”

“Well, excuse me? You were here as well and it didn’t stop them from breaking into the house! No one was expecting it. But I can do it. I’m a principality, it’s literally my job!”

“So you don’t want me around then?”

“That’s definitely not what I said. Dear boy, would you help me here?”

“Huh? Sorry, angel. Wasn’t paying attention. Pups are getting all wiggly again”

“Can you please tell Gabriel that...”

But the archangel wasn’t really into the argument anymore. He jumped from his place on the couch, coming to kneel between the demon’s legs and press his face against his belly.

“Oh, hello!” Crowley smiled, petting the top of his hair. Aziraphale rolled his eyes.

Uriel chuckled. “Guess I will head out. Tell them we

dismantled a cult or something. Bet we will all get some badges”  
“I think I want a commendation too”

“My bad, demon. Nothing I can do.”

“You can at least tell them I am the sexy fertility false-goddess they were worshiping, yeah? I’m still the one who needs, somehow, to birth two winged babies. It’s the least I deserve”

Uriel laughed. “Okay, but I want your new glasses!”  
…  
It was a calm evening.

Gabriel had climbed on the sofa, mesmerized with the precious little thrusts pushing back against his hands. It soothed him enough to extinguish any fight and all the worries that were in him for that day. Besides that, he finally had the time to acknowledge the perky little breasts the demon had developed overnight and was happy to find them to be very pillowy: the perfect place for a nap.

While the archangel himself didn’t enjoy sleeping, he knew Crowley would love any opportunity for slot, particularly in a stressful day like this. And what terrible mate he wouldn’t be if he couldn’t spoil his demon from time to time.

Aziraphale gave him a break. He knew Gabriel wasn’t used to Hell’s weird misconceptions and how far they could take then. It was a miracle already that they didn’t give Crowley some doubtful job that they would have to tend to.

Hastur and Ligur were back after some time, giving him an awkward wave from their doorstep. Later, the chameleon demon came bringing more apologetic cake (that Crowley would make him throw away when he woke up. Ligur was inside that Aziraphale. Do you really thing the demon who made this know how cakes work?).

When Crowley woke up, the angel knew he was really more shaken with the prior events that he would let himself show. Dealing with Hell’s (and Heaven’s, honestly) business was usually a sour spot for him. So, he let the demon leave Gabriel snoring on the couch and sneak out of the house.  
...

Anathema was hanging some kind of crystal in her door frame when he came.

She smiles, putting away the stairs and letting him in.

“So?” She asked while boiling the tea water. “Kidnapped for a surprise party?”

“Yeah. Where is Newt?”

“Visiting his Mom. What was it like?”

“Kidnapping is not really my thing.”

“Was it that bad?” Crowley glared at her and said nothing. “Ok. Stupid question. But they really just kidnapped you to avoid Gabriel? Or Aziraphale? Well, both since the two of them looked equally preoccupied...”

“Family thing. They… don’t mix.”

“Oh, it’s your personal Romeo and Juliet story! Or like Romeo, and Romeo, and Romeo.”

“Go take your literature references to Aziraphale witch”

Anathema chuckled. “Is it taking it bad? I mean, I would.”

“Aziraphale and I have been together for a long time. He is used to this shit. Gabriel is pissed tough.”

“Did you at least get something nice?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, presents?”

“Nah. Just cake. A lot of cake. And some glasses, but I gave then to Uriel”

“What?! Really? Nothing?”

“Don’t think they really get the theme. They are not from here”

“That won’t do it. Like, I know you are fixing your own things, baby’s bedroom, and all. But having a baby is expensive and it would really help...”

“It’s twins. Didn’t have time to tell you.”

“Literally one more reason! Congratulations, though. But, recapping… Would you be mad if I organize a baby shower? You don’t have to do anything! I will just...”

Crowley laughed. “There is no reason Ana. I don’t even know the people from here...”

“Well, You know me, and Newt, and Hastur and Ligur, and Tracy… And maybe I could invite the people you like best from both sides. That would be a neutral environment and...”

Crowley laughed imagining Anathema drawing a pentagram trying to send a little pink invitation for Satan himself. Or even better, tying it to a bird to send it to Heaven. It was so funny for a moment he forgot to tell her “no”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess even though the last chapters were very stupid, they would be also really stressful experiences?  
> I think Crowley deserves a real party. And Aziraphale deserves Ligurless cake. And Gabriel probably deserves something too.  
> It won't be for the next chapter though. I want to wait for Heavens to discover but i don't think i want them to discover before the babies are born (?)  
> For now, If you want to see something while I think about it, please tell me.


	13. The Arcangel Fucking Gabriel...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a lot of dialogue guys because I needed context for the next chapter.  
> Feel free to tell me if you want to see something else before/after the babies are born,

“Uri, can I ask you a question?”

Uriel raised her eyes from her dough batter. Aziraphale was trying to teach her how to bake. Newt had told her about his favorite aunt and how she would bake countless cookies for him when he was a kid, and, as a favorite-aunt-to-be, Uriel decided she had to learn how to do it as well.

“Sure.”

“When angels birth their fledglings, do they come out winged? Like, with their wings manifested?”

The archangel put her hands on her hips, thinking. “I don’t know? Maybe? Why?”

“How can you don’t know? Don’t you work with the fledglings division?”

“Worked. But only as a supervisor. I’m an alpha. They won’t let us too close. You are the omega. You are the one who should know”

“I’m a DEMON.”

“What’s the matter sunshine?” Gabriel was back to the couch. He had been checking the windows again or flying above the house in surveillance. Probably. He was starting to get paranoid. The only things he did were vigilance and cuddling. His hands were always protectively around Crowley’s waist as he was afraid he could disappear at any given moment.

“He wants to know if angel babies are born with their wings out”

“They must be, right? Could you imagine it? It’s going to be so cute! Don’t you agree Azie?”

Aziraphale looked up from the chocolate chips he was adding on top of the cookies but said nothing.

“You say that because it’s not from your body they are going to come off! Do you know how big is a baby? And how bigger it will be if wings? That is if they don’t decide to try to open them!”

“They won’t do it, dear boy. They will be like little birds.”

“Ugly?”

“No! Like, folded wings, maybe featherless and all wet and...”

Gabriel made a nauseous face.

“Oh, come dear! Don’t start.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Sure, angel. But even so. It’s two babies with wings, and most likely more than one pair each since Gabriel is an archangel...” 

“Okay, okay. You didn’t answer my question. What about demons? Do they come with their wings out?”

“I don’t know. Never had a puppy of my own before and wouldn’t stay too long in Hell to know shit. It’s too dangerous. All I know is what I told you. Little litters, raise their young, sometimes they come in their animal forms...”

“You hadn’t mentioned this part!”

“What part?”

“The animal forms.”

“Of course I have! Pup, didn’t I tell you it could be snakes?”

“You said you are joking!”

“I was joking. About being forty-two snakes. Two is a coherent snake number and would be less problematic because snakes are born small. But don’t worry, they are not on their animal forms right now and I don’t think they will change. Well, at least I think so… As snakes can’t kick.”

“Wait, so it could be another animal?”

“I already told you all I have no idea! It’s my first demon-archangel baby too, okay? I assume they would be snakes because angels don’t have an animal form.”

“Humm...” Gabriel scratched his chin. “If I had an animal form I think it would be… an eagle? Maybe a lion? Or a deer. It suits me, don’t it sunshine? Majestic animals.”

“Do you know how big is a deer?!”

“It could be a hippo!” Uriel chuckled.

“Oh, Satan. Now I will have to worry about something else! Fucking thank you!”

Uriel laughed. “Don’t know, maybe you could ask your neighbor demons? Or, what was her name?”

“Pff…. Hastur and Ligur would never have pups. And they are both betas. And Dagon clearly doesn’t know shit. Probably they just send her because she is Beelzebub's friend and they wanted to give her an easy job. She is a beta too.”

“Well, that Ligur guy said they would have to supply you with anything you wanted, right?” Gabriel nudged the side of his face. “Can’t you ask them to send an omega ‘doctor’ next time?”

“Or maybe I can look for some omega angels acquaintances of mine” Uriel offered.

“Nah. How would they help? I know how births work. I have helped a lot of humans across the ages. I guess my brain just wants to worry about every possible scenario for a couple more weeks beforehand”

“Don’t be dramatic sunshine. We got a long road to go. We will figure it out”

“Actually, no? Demon pups develop like, super fast. I think if they were full demon they would have been born already.”

“Wait, really? And you just tell us now?”  
“This is why we started working in their room so soon, dear boy” Aziraphale checked the oven’s temperature again.

“Why are you two not freaking out? Like, Oh, Lord! Do you think you could go into labor like now?”

“I don’t know Gabriel! Maybe? Why do you insist on asking questions I don’t know the answer?”

“Stop hyperventilating, dear. You don’t even need to breathe.” Aziraphale added.

“You are not seeing the bigger picture here, okay? What if it did happen now?”

Crowley shrugged. “The same way babies get in, babies get out. Clean babies. Take a nap while Aziraphale cleans the mess.”

“And what if Aziraphale is not here to help you?”

“The mess will wait for him. I mean, I will probably really need a nap”

“No, I mean, what if Aziraphale isn’t home and I was the only one here to help you?”

“I would send you to call Anathema before you pass out”

“What? It won’t work!”

“Hmm… I guess maybe you will pass out before we have the time to do it. I will put her as an emergency contact on my phone then. Or like, I can pray to Uriel? Do you think I will explode or something if I try to do it?” 

“No, I was trying you can’t call Anathema because she will freak out and… It doesn’t matter. Why the Hell do you think I would pass out? I don’t even know if I can do it.”

“It’s a lot of blood, pup.”

“Oh, come on! I’m the Archangel Fucking Gabriel! A little blood won’t put me off!”

“You are totally going to pass out.” Aziraphale smiled, taking his cookies out of the oven.

“Aziraphale! Uriel, a little help?”

“They got a point, sunshine” Uriel smiled.

The Archangel Fucking Gabriel crossed his arms and pouted.

…

“...And then he said I can’t help because I’m totally going to pass out. Which is an absolute lie!”

Anathema put the cookies in a glass jar so she could return the basket Gabriel had bring them on. She made an almost physical force to keep herself from laughing.

“Are you afraid of blood? Have you seen any birth videos?”

“No! And no.” 

“I don’t know Gabriel. The parents usually have a lot of preparations for the birth arrangement and if Crowley doesn’t want you around you should respect his decision...”

“He doesn’t… Well, I think he doesn’t… It’s not what he said, okay? He thinks I can’t take it!”

“And can you? I mean, it’s really common for the father to be unable to be present in the delivery room… I’m sure Crowley won’t be hurt or judge you if...”

“Yeah, but he could at least give me a chance, right? It’s not fair just assuming I can’t...”

“Look, Gabriel, I get it. It’s okay. Maybe if you show this initiative Crowley will understand that you want to be part of it. Here.” Anathema handed the archangel a pamphlet. “My yoga teacher also gives these amazing lessons that….”

…

“If someone starts with ‘Your vagina is a flower’ bullshit I’m gonna leave.”

“Think about your vagina as an opening flower...”

“I’m fucking leaving”


	14. ...Goes to prenatal classes

Newt wrinkled his nose.

“Can you explain to me again why would it…?”

Gabriel and Newt were sitting against the garden’s fence, Anathema’s phone in hands, and a very informative video about snakes laying eggs playing. The archangel took his finger to his mouth, shushing him.

“It really helps, Lizard.”

Aziraphale locked the front door.

“It’s time to go! We don’t want to be late.”

“Are you sure I can have this?” Gabriel got up.

“It’s probably safer with you than with me” Newt shrugged, don’t bother to correct him this time.

Crowley materialized behind him, rocking new cat-eye sunglasses. He peeked over his shoulder.

“You know I’m not this kind of snake, don’t you?”

“Hm?”

“Not all snakes lay eggs. A lot of snakes that can defend themselves are viviparous, which is my case. And by that I mean they give birth to living young.”

“Huh. I know. I watching this for totally unrelated reasons...”

“Sure.”

The Bentley honked happily when they approached. Aziraphale and Crowley got on the front and Gabriel climbed at the backseat.

“Shouldn’t you let Aziraphale drive?”

“Why?”

“It looks a little dangerous.”

“Pff. It’s perfectly safe.” He said, applying lip gloss and almost hitting a truck. “And Angel doesn’t know how to drive. And even if he did, he would go so slow we would never get there.” Aziraphale huffed insulted. “So, no, thank you. But if it will make you feel a little better, I can teach you. But not in my car.”

“You can’t teach something you don’t know, darling.” Aziraphale chuckled, but then Crowley took his hands from the wheel to put in his hips and look offended at him and almost hit a pedestrian, making the angel decide to keep such comments to himself.

The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

Crowley parked his Bentley, this time at a regular parking spot, in front of the address marked on the flyer. The lecture would be in the yoga studio, which, in turn, was on top of a mechanical workshop. It probably would mean a lot of noise and a terrible place for a yoga studio. Still, it didn’t stop people like Anathema and, apparently, a lot of happy and not-so-happy couples from joining it.

Crowley observed the flow of pregnant couples getting in, imagining how uncomfortable he would be for conversations he was not ready for and ngked.

“Ngk.”

“Is everything all right, dear boy?”

Crowley turned to face his angel and then looked above his shoulder to face Gabriel. “Pup, I appreciate your initiative, I do, but, are you really sure this is necessary?”

“You said you are afraid because you don’t know what is going to happen...”

“Yes, because it never happened as far as we know. So, if it never happened, they can’t help us.”

“Maybe you should give Gabriel a try, dear. See, here it says it’s a method to built confidence..”

“I’m confident.”

“...Teach emotional support techniques and copy mechanisms for labor. It can’t hurt, right?”

“We’ve seen this before, angel. I’ve seen this before for thousands of years. It’s udder bullshit.”

“It’s not… We’ve talked about it, Crowley. But maybe if we take the class and tell Gabriel why you think it’s bullshit it may be helpful.”

“Ngk. Fine.”  
…  
When they climbed to the top of the too-narrow stairs -which, just to point, Crowley thought was totally unfair to make a pregnant woman climb- they had lost the class introduction. The speaker was the most cartoonist stereotype hippie lady the demon has ever seem. Couples of parents were sitting around the floor for the yoga vibes (but most likely because they couldn’t afford enough chairs).

They sat quietly against a wall, ignoring the eyes turning to watch them. The lecture lady was explaining how, for the next six weeks, they’d go through a magical experience and Crowley had the feeling that no, they would not, because he wasn’t coming back.

He sat with his back against Gabriel’s broad chest, resting his had on his shoulders to be closer to his ear and be able to talk to him without the rest of the class hearing and strew his legs across Aziraphale’s lap, also because he fucking deserved it. Come on, he wouldn’t get a back pain for sitting without support in a class he didn’t want to attend.

“Like the rest of life, childbirth isn't as good when it's experienced through a haze of drugs...”

Crowley rolled his eyes, taking a glimpse of the lady’s speak.

“See? It’s this kind of nonsense I’m talking about. It’s just cowardice to try to shame women for trying to avoid pain during childbirth. Humans have been taking drugs for ages… Now they are a little safer. No one should force themselves to go through ‘natural’ labor just to prove a point if they don’t feel like it.”

“So… You want drugs?”

Aziraphale chuckled.

“Don’t think their drugs can really affect me at a safe level, or what would be the safe level… But if I ask for drugs you give me the fucking drugs!” A woman sitting next to them gave him a judgmental stare and the demon hissed back at her.

“Today, we are going to start training rhythmic breathing exercises that reduce heart rate, anxiety, and pain perception during labor...”

“Constant anxiety is my normal way of being.” Crowley crossed his arms.

“Crowley, shhh!” 

“Receiving continuous support during labor from a doula or a loved one, the idea is that a trusting, loving environment makes childbirth easier. So, I want your pair to kneel behind you and we are going to pretend...”

“I am not doing it Aziraphale. It’s humiliating.”

“Everyone is doing it, dear.”

“You do it, then.”

“I’m not the one who is going to deliver, my dear.”

“Yeah, but Gabriel is the one who needs to cope with his heart rate and anxiety, so you should help him with breathing or whatever this is. I want ice cream. I’m getting ice cream now.”

“But, Crowley!”

“Shush, angel. Let’s make a deal. If he happens to be with me when the pups came out and don’t pass out, I will take you to that new chinese place you want to go.”

“Hey!”

“Sorry pup. It’s not personal. I’m really grateful for you trying to be part of it the best way you can, but I also really need to make fun of Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes. Watching his demon walk away under the judgmental eyes of half of the class and the jealous stare of the other half on his back.

Crowley stayed by the door long enough to take a picture of the scene and cackle his way down the stairs.

…

The demon sauntered his way back to the yoga studio. He felt kinda bad for living without giving it a real try. He was overcompensating it by bringing a back with too many frozen snacks. He knew Gabriel was trying his best to prove himself for some reason.

It wasn’t like he didn’t BELIEVE in Gabriel, for the matter. It’s just that… The archangel was still having a hard time adapting to their human-like lifestyle and maybe childbirth, with all of its body fluids, that even some humans don’t have the guts to watch is moving a little too fast. He didn’t want to move too fast. It didn’t work well for him and Aziraphale. Maybe he was overreacting again. After all, he had all this trouble to be part of it. Maybe he shouldn’t go this hard on him and…

Aziraphale was leaning against the door reading a pocket edition.

“How was the breathing exercising, angel? Relaxing?” He handed Aziraphale a chocolate and almond covered Popsicle.

“It worked. For a while.”

Archangel Fucking Gabriel was lying unconscious on the floor. The speaker lady fanning him desperately with a handful of pamphlets. 

“They showed those birth videos, didn’t they?”

Aziraphale just gave a bite on his ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just because I think it's important to say it, taking classes like this is a good thing and help a lot of people to deal with their fears. This been said, we can't take anything seriously in this fic and Crowley is a human-sized package of anxiety and doesn't really want to dear with his fears, so...
> 
> Anyway. Do you feel like we need to see the birth scene or will you be alright with "Oh, the baby is here. Everyone is happy. *jazz hands*" ?
> 
> Just tell me what do you want to see. This is an entirely for self-entertaining reasons fic with very little plot really planned, cause I just write what I feel I need at the moment.


	15. Baby time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I wasn't really thinking about writing a birth scene and I blinked and it was here. So, enjoy, I guess?

“No!”

“Why not?”

“I’m not naming my pup Wilde!”

“Why are you jealous of him?”

“I’m not jealousss of anyone! It’s just a terrible name!”

“Well, ‘Mercury’ it’s not a good name either!”

“Take that back!”

Gabriel watched with amusement in his eyes the angel and the demon argue. It was happening kind of frequently lately. He wasn’t really trying to suggest any idea as he couldn’t come up with traditional angel names and he didn’t think it would really fit their kids. For now, he was happy giving his opinion about the names already suggested.

“Okay, then. What about ‘Eve’? We met in Eden, it was your first temptation, and she would be the first of her kind too.”

“Eve.” The demon flickered his tongue, tasting the word. “I like it.”

“And if it’s a boy it could be Adam.”

“Nah. Eve is a unisex name.”

“It’s… not.”

“What do you think, pup? Eve?”

“It’s a nice name. And the other one?”

“Finally!”

“Ok, what about…?” Aziraphale scratched his chin as Crowley approached the archangel for a hi-five. “Oh, dear.” He covered his mouth with his hand while the whole sofa overturned with the impact.

Crowley smiled content. “Didn’t intend to do that, but guess my powers are working again!”

The archangel lifted the sofa away from him. “It’s working a bit too much.”

“Don’t be a party ruiner, babe. Let’s try doing something. I miss being able to put my own shoes...” he snapped his fingers, making his boots go flying across the window, exploding the glass. “Okay. Maybe it’s not me.” He hissed, feeling a twinge of pain on his lower abdomen. “Definitely not me. Angel...Fuck, think it’s now.”

“Oh, dear. I’m so excited! Do you need anything? Can I…?”

“We got time.”  
Aziraphale rushed to upstairs. Gabriel remained startled, laying on the floor where he had been tossed, his eyes wide.

“Babe, are you alright? You can go if you need it, or you can stay here in the living room...”

Gabriel looked up, meeting the demon’s face looking at him from above. What is this wet sound? Why does he look so damn calm?! He got up faster than intended, uncurling his wings and accidentally knocking a bookshelf in the process.

“Gabriel, relax! Wait…!” The archangel got him up in his arms.

“Why are you wet?! Is it normal?! Is it bad?!”

“You really didn’t watch even the beginning of the video? Okay, stop freaking out. It’s everything fine. It’s a slow process.” He petted the top of the archangel’s head. “Just carry me upstairs, please. Angel is filling the bathtub.”

“Bathtub?”

“Yeah. I want to relax while we wait. It's going to take a while. And we thought, as we won’t need to directly see it, maybe you could stay around.”

The archangel smiled, nuzzling the demon’s cheek with his, thank you sunshine.”

“Okay. I miracled it to keep war for you, dear boy. Do you want me to make you a snack, in case you get peckish?”

“In case YOU get peckish, angel? Sure. I will scream if I need anything.”  
…  
Uriel slammed the door open. Aziraphale peeked from the kitchen door. She flew to him so fast, knocking another bookshelf and a vase, he almost dropped his tea.

“Aziraphale! There is a huge vortex of weird energy in the area, I don’t know what it is yet, but you should get out of here!”

“What? We can’t! Crowley just went into labor!”

Uriel stopped on her tracks, taking a deep breath. “Oh, good. He is probably the source of it. But bad! Michael thinks it’s some kind of demon thing we don’t know about and they are coming down here to check it! Even if you did get out of here, I think Heaven would be able to track… Okay. It’s a terrible moment. We need to keep them out of here until it stops!”

“Aziraphale, Crowley said something about contractions that I don’t know what means and can’t ask again because he hissed at me! What I should do?” Gabriel came running down the stairs. A muffled grunt came from upstairs, sending a small wave of energy that cracked the remaining windows.

“Okay, we can’t have Michael here. It’s already complicated, we can’t deal with it right now. Uriel...”

“What the Heavens is going on here? You are disturbing Cat!” Ligur opened the door, his disturbed lizard on top of his head and his disturbed Hastur just behind him.  
“Aziraphale!” Anathema entered, squeezing herself between the two demons. “There is a really strong odd energy around your house!” To prove her point, she showed them one of her crystals in a golden chain. It spun crazily and then exploded. However, she seemed to be the less disturbed one and paid no mind to two archangels with their wings open in the middle of the room.

“Everyone stay calm, please! Anathema, do you think you can camouflage it for a while? Make it harder to detect?”

“I can try.”

“Great, while you do it Hastur and I will help Uriel to dismiss Michael and...”

“Wait! I never said I would help with anything! And why do you want another of your angels away from your angel club?”

“It doesn’t matter Hastur! Michael is a bitch and if you don’t I’m telling Lucifer you don’t want to do your job! Gabriel, stay here and keep Crowley safe!”

“But, I don’t know what to...” But before he could say anything, he was alone in the living room, except for Ligur, who was trying to run away unnoticed. “You are fucking helping me.”  
…  
“What are you two doing? Don’t let me alone here.”

The demon was submerged in the water with just his eyes out, like a crocodile. Gabriel didn’t know how he was hearing his voice so clearly.

“Are you okay?”

The rest of the demon face emerged, his eyes were wide glowing in yellows, and circles of black scales had emerged around them.

“Where is Angel?”

“Angel will be right back, he just had a little contretemps, but everything is fine.” The demon narrowed his eyes and Gabriel was kinda afraid he was going to bite him or something. “Come here”. He patted his tight, sinking his leg in the water it was too hot, but he tried not to think about it.

Crowley rested his head against his legs, allowing the archangel to pet his hair. The water that was running from one faucet stopped “falling” in the ceiling direction and went back to follow the laws of gravity.  
…  
“It’s never going to work”

“You are a man of little faith, Hastur”.

“I’m a demon. I don’t have faith. This is what makes me a demon, not some tiara with plastic horns, a cape, and a fake mustache!”

“Look, there they are! The demons!” They heard Uriel screaming.

Another ruffle of wings was just behind hers. Aziraphale didn’t have time to see Michael landing, but he knew they were faster than him and it was better to start to run.  
…  
“Breath, darling.”

“I am breathing!”

“Than, push!”

“I am pushing!”

“I’m sorry, this is the only thing I know!”

“Circle done! The house is isolated and I reblocked all the windows and doors too just in case!” Anathema emerged from between several piles of towels higher than her. “Ligur, I think this is enough.”

“Thank Satan!”

“Don’t call him! The last thing we need it’s the whole court deciding to stop b…!” He growled. “Give me your hand.”

“Of course, babe. You can do it… Humft!” He heard a loud crack and tried not to think about it.

“What was that?”

“Nothing” Tell Crowley he probably just smashed all of the bones of his hand would just make him more nervous. And, honestly, Gabriel himself was so nervous he was barely feeling it.  
…  
“We need a distraction! They are too fast!”

Aziraphale and Hastur were deep inside a nearby forest. The angel would be so sad when he found about the state of his waistcoat when they finally stop to breathe.

“What are going to do? It can’t be too obvious, Michael won’t believe it!”

“Your fake mustache literally fell two miles ago! I’m gonna set this tree on hellfire!”  
…  
To be fair, Gabriel didn’t pass out when the demon handed him the first goo-covered thing. But he also didn’t look to it very much, letting Anathema and her too many towels take care of it. In his defense, Crowley was the one looking like he was going to pass out.

“Stay with me, sunshine. One more to go. Then you can nap.”

“But I’m tired.”

“I know, love. Just a little longer okay? Let’s talk through this. We didn’t choose the name for the other little one.”

“Is Ev… Hmpf. Eve, okay?”

“Yes. Your human friend will bring her back in feel minutes. Just stay awake. Let’s think about a name.”

The demon meowed weakly, resting his forehead on the archangel’s leg. “You can choose it.”

“Okay. I’m naming it Gabriel, the second.”

“Noooo! You are not putting your name in my puppy!” Crowley slapped his tight softly, the super force gone, for now. Thank God. “Let’s name them something that will get Aziraphale mad.”

“Why?”

“It’s going to be funny!”

“Are saying that because you really mean it or because you are tired?”

“I don’t know? Wait, wait, wait. It’s almost done. Grab me a towel. I want to get out.”

The archangel got up. He was afraid to leave the tube side and let the demon pass out. He grabbed half of the pile of towels to be faster. When he got back, Crowley was holding a small bloody-thing against his chest.

“Darling, no. Don’t lick the baby. I guess it’s a demon thing, but you don’t need to do it. Anathema will clean it. Give it to me.”

The demon floated to the other side of the bathtub, laughing and lifting the baby above his head. The little thing started to cry.

“Look, love. She got lilac eyes. Like you! Lilac. Lila. Lilith. Lilith. It’s decided. Don’t change it. I’m going to nap now.”

And Gabriel got the baby. And it was all covered with body fluids. And his pants were also stained with body fluids in the points it was submerged in the water. And his face was also covered with body fluids because, at some point that he didn’t notice, he had started to cry. And the baby indeed had lilac eyes. And he heard Aziraphale’s voice downstairs. And Anathema appeared from behind him and took the baby from his hands.

And with pride, we can say, just now he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end, Hastur turns into a frog and Azie flies both of them away while Michael is confused. They come back to find Ligur crying with a sleeping baby in his arms. Uriel crashes in the garden a little later and steals the other one from Anathema. Aziraphale doesn't have time to have cute baby times because he is busy dragging both of his dumb husbands to a bed. But don't worry, they will all have their fluffy reward in the next chapters.


	16. The battle begins

Aziraphale cleaned his husband, carried him to bed bride-style, and took him under the covers. Gabriel was a little harder. He hoped the archangel wouldn’t get too mad about his ruined clothes and his arms were full of bruised and claw marks and everything felt a little out of the place, but he thought it was better to wait for him to wake up to heal it to make sure it was right. He also could unmanifest his wings while he was unconscious, so a lot more objects were knocked out of their places again. On the bright side, now Crowley had a new feathery blanked.

He cleaned the mess like promised. He rinsed the bathtub – although there was a good chance that he would just get a new one. He would always know was the original stains were- and fixed the broken windows and shelves. And dried the bathroom ceiling, that was wet for some reason and collect a suspiciously high number of wet towels around the house.

No occult or ethereal being moved a muscle to help him around, too mesmerized with their new demon-angelings to even notice he walking around. Anathema had to go home but she promised she would be back later to help.

Ligur was sitting in his armchair, still crying, cradling one baby in his arms. The baby was not crying with him anymore, fast asleep. Hastur was sitting with his arms crossed on the floor, staring at them jealously, of Ligur or of the baby. Uriel was sitting, static as a stone, with the second one asleep on her lap, too afraid to move and disturb it. Aziraphale collapsed next to her.  
…  
Gabriel woke up a few hours later.

He found the exact same scene, except Ligur’s baby had woke up and he didn’t know how who deal with it, so he handled her to Aziraphale and went to cry hugging Hastur instead.

“How is Crowley?”

“Sleeping. Are the babies okay?”

Aziraphale smiled at him, uncaring of the baby pulling his hair. “Thank God! No problems. Eve slept the whole day and this one just woke up.”

Gabriel looked from the baby in his arms to the baby sleeping in petrified Uriel’s lap. “This one is Eve.”

“What?!” Ligur got out of his silent crying with an outraged bark that made the previously sleeping baby open her eyes. “I’ve been calling this one pigeon the whole day!”

“Why would you do that?!”

“She looks like a pigeon!”

“No, she doesn’t!” 

The baby named Eve who maybe looked like a pigeon left out a warning cry.

“You don’t know how to hold her! Give me back!” Aziraphale didn’t have time to react when the demon snitched the baby from his arms. “See? Pigeon!”

Ligur pointed to the baby, whose little wings flapped insulted. She had three pairs of them, all grayish with blots of black and white, the same with her short curly hair, dark with a white streak in the front. Even her skin had the same pattern, covered with lighter markings. Her eyes were blue with huge irises, black sclera and no visible pupils and someone had dressed her in the smallest angel robes imaginable. She covered her face with the little wings behind her neck when she noticed everyone was staring. Ligur started to cry again.

“I suppose you named the other one as well?”

Gabriel robbed the baby from Uriel(who gasped like she had been stabbed)’s lap, putting her against his face to make their eyes closer so Aziraphale could see. “This one is Lilith. Lila. Got it?”  
…  
Crowley had been sleeping for three days now. Thankfully, neither of the babies seemed to need to eat for now. Anathema left for a trip to the US for her Mom’s birthday. Not before letting a lot of food for them, knowing that they wouldn’t have a lot of time to cook. God bless her. No angels, nor demons left the house. Even the baby's bedroom wasn’t used as they just kept taking turns to have the baby on their arms.

Lilith hadn’t manifested her wings yet. She had been sleeping most of the time. Actually, she looked a lot like Crowley. Her short red hair had the same smell like his. The only differences were that she had Gabriel’s eyes and seemed to lack any demon features, at least for now. Uriel had overcome her fears and was happily approaching and babbling with the babies in Enochian or in baby talk, who knows and even Hastur had come around eventually, suspiciously letting Eve grab his finger. And them the phone rang.

It was not exactly a phone, more like an old kids' walk-talkie from where the buzz of Prince Beelzebub’s voice came out.

“Hazztur, where are?”

“At home.”

“No, you not. I tried to reaczze you t...”

“I’m in the bathroom.”

“Ok. Couldn’t talk to Crowley. Izz he dead? Are the cubzz out yet? We felt a huge energy wave from where you are. If he is not dead he hazz to come down here.”

“Huh...”

“Now. Zatan is ordering. Bring hizz cubzz too.”

The toy screeched and turn off.

“Oh my, Satan! What do we do now?!” Ligur exclaimed.

“Maybe if we talk to...”

“We can’t talk to them! It’s Satan! If he wants us now, it’s now!”

“We can get the things down to him and...”

“Are you nuts Hastur? We are not taking the babies to Hell!”  
“This is literally why we are here Ligur!”

“What if one hound bites them, huh? What if he accidentally drops one of them in the sulfur pounds? What if we lost them in archives? No!”

“But Ligur!”

“No!”

“Fine! But I’m not getting down there alone!”

They both looked to stare Aziraphale.  
…

“This is bad.” Gabriel was walking back and forth, baby Eve giggling in his arms. 

“He just went talk to them. Crowley is too exhausted and the babies are too small. There is nothing we could do. They will have to wait. And while they wait, we will think about what can we… Oh, shit.”

“What now?”

“Michael wants us back. Both of us.”

“Tell them we are busy.”

“It’s an emergency alert.”

“Fuck.”

“What do we do? Wake Crowley!”

“I tried! He needs more time!”

“Where is your human friend?”

“I don’t know! Aziraphale said she had a trip...”

“We are fucked.”  
…

“So, I reunited us here because we may have some serious business to discuss. As you can see, only a limited number of angels were called here today as I don’t want it to spread and cause rumors for now… Gabriel, can’t you put away your wings? It’s distracting me.”

“Huh…? A demon injured me. Can’t heal it with a miracle. I’m letting them out to heal faster.”

“Hm. Fine. That’s what I’m talking about. For some unknown reason, the presence of demons on earth is increasing in never seen before levels. First a cult at an open park in the middle of London! More attacks, all the communication has been closed. This week, we identified a source of unknown energy. Uriel and I went to check. We chased two demons for hours just to find a three lit with hellfire. When I came to my senses, we had lost the trail. They are obviously trying to distract us from something big and… Who sneezed?”

“Huh. Sorry, It was me.”

“Didn’t know you could sneeze Uriel. Why would you do that? Anyway… Okay. It’s not funny Uriel, can’t you stop? Great. Moving on...”

“Some of them woke up!” Uriel whispered.

“I know! They are pulling my feathers! What do we do?” Gabriel whispered back.

“Okay. Enough!” Michael turned on their heels, stopping to stare at them.

“Oh, no! A baby in my wings? How did it get there? I didn’t notice it! I’m going to give it back to the humans… Excuse me!”

And Lilith sneezed again, manifesting her wings.

The rest of the angels at the room gasped. Lilith flapped her wings, slapping her father in the face happily a couple of times.

“Huh… Again. I have to go.”  
…  
“Gabriel, wait!” Michael flew behind him down the stairs, but they weren’t as fast.

From the bottom of the opposite stairs, Aziraphale popped flying high in the air, like floaties a kid tried to sink in a pool. The King of Hell was just behind him, but he had to run up the stairs as he couldn’t walk above the water.

“Aeropostale, wait! He can come to an agreement! We have them during the week, but you can visit at the weekends!”

Gabriel stopped on his trails aquaplaning across the water-covered floor to avoid run over Satan.

“Gabriel!” Michael’s voice catches up with him before they arrived.

The Lord of Hell looked to the babbling baby on his arms. “Oh, super fair guys. They are too young to visit Hell, but not for Heaven?! Not cool.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to imagine Gabriel hiding the babies in his wings like a mother swan.  
> I LOVE that meme that says angels can walk over water but demons sink, so if a demon needs to enter in Heaven he had to be carried, but if an angel has to enter hell he has to be forcibly pushed down like a balloon.  
> What do you think comes next? Because I don't know.


	17. Never disturb a sleeping demon

Crowley woke up. His head hurt. His whole body hurt and felt weirdly light. The bed was empty and Gabriel’s smell very faint in the sheets. The whole house smell was very faint. And silent. He struggled to raise his head. The big mirror he had moved to their bedroom was cracked, as if someone trying to contact it and lost patience, and the last traces of sulfuric smoke were disappearing in the air.  
…  
A small circle of angel and demon spectators was forming around them.

“This is inexcusable! Your lot claims to be all good and superior but can’t even play fair!” The chorus of demons followed Lucifer on his wrath. “Since the beginning, I have been nothing less than righteous and gave every opportunity for negotiation, but you act behind by back! The greater good, everybody!”

“I’m sorry if our idea of ‘greater good’ is, obviously, stopping Hell’s wicked deeds! You gonna tell me your plan of raising super soldiers for the war is playing fair?” The angels behind Uriel murmured in approval, not because they knew what the fuck was going on, but because she sounded reasonable. I mean, Satan probably doesn’t mean good news.

“Oh, ho ho ho! Now it’s my plan, huh? Well, it needs two sides to have a war!”

“A war you started!” Sandalphon didn’t really know what was going on, but he was ready to start throwing punches at anyone.

“Maybe we wouldn’t have rebelled if you were not a bunch of hypocrites!” Lucifer spat and the rest of the demons roared.

Gabriel tip-toed awkwardly to Aziraphale’s side with Lilith in his angels and Eve still wiggling between his wings without knowing what to do. “I think it’s a bad moment, but I’m feeling weird right now and I think Crowley is up. And he is not happy.”  
…  
“War or not war. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need a war to prove we are better than you! You can shove this super-soldier bullshit up your asses! You are unqualified to raise a half-demon baby! You can’t even raise your own pups! You give the responsibility to other angels as you do with everything else! We are clearly better for them and no one can deny it!”

Now, half of the angels hadn’t even noticed the presence of Gabriel or the baby in his arms but were instantly ready to fight for them with their bare teeth if necessary.

“Sure, because something that let their LITTERS play in the mud with the hell hounds like some filthy animal knows so much better!” An angel with dark skin and gold marks circling his eyes protested.

“This is a lie and you know that!” Accused a demon wearing a huge pink cowboy hat. “Look at him! He doesn’t even know how to hold a baby! He is keeping it in his wings like some… some pigeon. This is clearly unsafe!”

“This is perfectly safe and they like it very much!” Uriel took Eve in her arms to shield her away from the demon’s stare.

“She is robbing it! At our faces!” Pointed a small frog-demon lady.

“I’m not robbing anything! I’m her.. auntie. I’m taking care of them, I was there when they were born, where were you?!” The rest of the angels encouraged her screaming.

“Well, then I am their uncle!” Ligur emerged from anywhere, swiping the baby away from Gabriel’s arms before he could even react. “I was there too. I got all the towels while you were out there playing with Michael and setting threes on fire!” The rest of the demons looked accusatory at Michael who hasn’t said a word until now.

And, from out of the building, they heard tires squealing before the glass door shatter.

Anthony J. Crowley slammed the Bentley’s door and sauntered down the aisle.

Dark scales pointed his skin and his nails have become sharp talons. His fangs were long enough to be impossible to contain them inside his mouth. When he approached, angels and demons alike gave a step behind, part sinking, part walking above it. However, when the demon put his foot on the water, the liquid just sizzled, stopping him from submerging. The demon’s waist-deep in the water exchanged alarmed sounds at the sign of the unsettling fast boiling floor.

“My dear, are you…?”

“Get in the car, angel.” He purred.

“Hm… Don’t want to bother, sunshine, but I think the car is on fire…?”

A scaly dark tail- A tail. He had a tail now. Ha ha ha. This is perfectly normal- circled the archangel’s neck, clasping his chin and pushing his head down. “If you know what is better for you, you will also be getting in the fucking car.”

At this moment, baby Lilith let out a dissatisfied cry and Ligur quickly handed her to Lucifer. The King of Hell tried to smile.

“Craw-Crowley! We were waiting for you...Here!” The redhead nested the baby, who immediately decided to munch his hair, against his shoulder. “We are just discussing...”

Crowley placed the point of a dangerously looking finger against the Lord of the Darkness throat. “I don’t know which of you idiotsss decided it wasss a good idea to take my pupss from me and I don’t care. If you want to sssee them you come to me, and not the other way around.” Lucifer gave a step behind, starting to get really worried about the sound of the floor sizzling so close to him and sharp objects against his neck. He wondered if Michael would be too pissed if he tried to climb their shoulders. “My babies don’t belong to Hell or to Heaven. They are earth and earth is my jurisdiction. I decide what happens to them. Go and convince them to help you with your childish fight when they are bigger, there is nothing I can do about it. But for now, may no harm come to my pups or my family, or that is going to be the last “good’’ idea you will ever have!”

The demon stepped aside, allowing Lucifer to finally breathe.

“No, wait! You don’t get telling Heaven what to do, demon. What was Aziraphale doing here? And Gabriel needs to...” Michael began to finally spit on the words stuck on their throat.

The demon hissed, and a flamethrower licked inches away from Archangel Michael’s face, melting the meeting point of both staircases and making half of the present entities jump behind, scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, when Crowley put his babies in the car, the Bentley wasn't on fire anymore and had manifested safety car seats for the puppies because it knows better.


	18. Peace after the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some rest, at last.

They spent the rest of the car trip back to the cottage in silence. Neither the angels dared to say a word, nor the babies to cry. The other drivers at the road discovered that their honks didn’t work anymore when they tried to use it in protest against the vehicle that just violently overtook theirs. A truck driver tried to swear but discovered himself suddenly discouraged by the sharp teeth and smoke literally coming out of the redhead’s nose. Even the Bentley’s engine respected Crowley’s rage, silent as if it was parked just outside the garage and not trying to break the sound barrier.

When they finally got home, the demon scooped one baby in each arm and marched inside.

He didn’t have to snap his fingers. All the inanimate comfy objects of the house just knew what to do: pillows, cushions, towels, scarfs, and plushies pilled themselves in a messy pillow-fort in the middle of the living room. Crowley proceeded to hide the pups between the blankets.

Gabriel wanted to say a lot of things. First, that that was the hottest thing he ever saw (probably literally too). Second, how happy he was. Those little potatoes were so small they fit in his hands and so precious he started to tear useless bodily fluids against his will every time he looked at them. Third, that Crowley didn’t need to do it, they were here, they were safe, but, it wasn’t exactly true, doesn’t matter how scared the demon had made both Heaven and Hell. However, he definitely didn’t want to say he was the one that had the brilliant idea to take the pups with him and now he would have to have a very uncomfortable conversation with Michael and all the rest of the office.

But he tried not to think about it too much. Instead, now that the birthquakes had passed, he decided to enjoy this inestimable silence. He felt so tired and so relieved. He just wanted to lie down. So, when the demon got Aziraphale in his arms and proceeded to push the angel inside his comfy cave, he just followed.

“I’m so proud of you, my dear”. Aziraphale state, his back against the sofa and Crowley’s head resting on his lap.

“You are on thin fucking ice. The both of you”. Crowley sniffed, finally allowing himself to fall apart. A baby squeaked and the demon sobbed loudly, rummaging the sheets to grab it and bring to his chest.“But I will take you to that restaurant you wanted anyway. A deal is a deal.”

“What deal, dearest?”

“I bet Gabriel was going to pass out, but he stood with me the whole time...Oh, pup, thank you...” He sniffed, kissing the top of Lilith’s head.

Gabriel crawled to his side, laying on his belly. He pushed some wet red strands away from her face. Most of the scales were gone now. “And what do I win, huh?”

Crowley chuckled. “All my love and respect.”

“Didn’t I have all your love and respect before? I’m kidding. This is more than all I could ever have asked for already.” He rolled on his back, snapping his fingers to bring a giggling Eve to his chest. 

Crowley smiled at him, approaching to leave a kiss on his shoulder. Lilith looked so much like him, with Gabriel’s eyes and had too much wing to such a little person. Eve reminded him more of Aziraphale, with fluffy hair and chubby cheeks. It was nice. He squeezed her doughy little hands and she squeezed him back, stronger than a baby should.

“Do you think I’m going to fall?”

Crowley narrowed his eyes. He handed Lilith to the angel and rolled on his side to face him. However, Aziraphale was the first to speak. “I think we will have some charges to face.”

Gabriel shook his head. “You will be fine. It would be very hard to prove how you are involved with this, especially if I say you were under my order. I’m still your superior after all.”

“Well, knowing Hell is not only involved but also very interested in turning it in dispute, it wouldn’t be very smart to handle us an archangel just like that… It wouldn’t prevent some reprisal, though, would it? What do you think Uriel is going to say? What are going to say?”

“I...I don’t know.”

“Hm. For now, I think they are very aware I will kick their butts if they try something. We will cross that bridge when we get there.” He sighed, approaching to tickle the baby.

As her first tickle ever, Eve got scared and puffed away in a wisp of magic. Gabriel managed to stop her before she rolled off his chest.

“Oh.” He said, pulling back a fluffy ball that could fit in the palm of his hands. “Hello. Huh... Crowley?”

The only resemblance between the baby and the fluffiest ever feline was the nebula-like blue eyes and markings at the same spots. It let out a confused mewl. 

“Oh, baby! Your animal form!” Crowley bumped her nose and she tried to grab his finger with her newfound paws, confused on why she couldn't do it.   
Gabriel looked above her face to see her better. “See, sunshine? I told you I would be some majestic animal like a lion. Here is the proof.” He smiled.

“It’s a snow leopard.” Aziraphale corrected, Lilith tugging away his bowtie.

“Same thing.” Eve was pawing his nose. “How to turn her back, though.”

“Don’t know. I don’t think we can, actually.” Crowley shrugged.

“What?!”

“In the beginning, Crowley would get stuck on his animal form very often. He even avoided using it for some time because he thought he would forget how to turn back.”

“I still forget, sometimes. She will figure it out eventually.” He got up, making half of the pillow fort collapse. “And while we wait, I will take a photo.”

“Ouch! She bit me!” Gabriel got up, forcibly removing her from his chest and making the rest of the structure fall and burying Aziraphale under a pile of blankets.

“Maybe she is hungry.” The angel said from under it.

“Don’t let them bite each other!” Crowley screamed from upstairs.   
…  
“...and this is it. End of the story. How is your mom?” 

“She is great. Newt got along with her pretty quickly. One last thing to worry about. Oh, he is back. I’m facetiming Crowley.”

“Hey there! I… Oh.” Newt’s face appeared on camera and then disappeared. He came back covering his eyes with his hands. Crowley wasn’t wearing a shirt. “Huh… Congratulations! I went to your house before traveling but Aziraphale said you were sleeping, so… Congratulations. Ana, your mom is calling.”

“Tell her I’m almost done.”

“Sure.” He gave her a forehead kiss, disappearing from the scream again with his eyes still covered. And then he was back. “Okay. I don’t mean to be indelicate but, are you breastfeeding a cat?”

“It’s a snow leopard.”

“Huh. Of course. Tell Aziraphale I sent him a hug.”

“Sure, Newton. Bye! Anyway, it’s a shame we couldn’t organize that baby shower in the end.”

Anathema smiled. “Oh, no, no, no, no. My word is the law. Just wait for me to get back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where did my creativity go? I don't know. I don't know.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Turns out I had an unintentional brainstorm about this AU. So, I decided to post everything in just one fic instead of having the work to create a new one every time something new happens. I don’t know how many chapters I’m going to write so I’m letting it open for now. I don’t know if we are going to follow a specific chronology. It’s going to be mostly fluffy, everyone being bad at feelings and porn. You can suggest something too with you want (I really don’t know what is going on here anyway)


End file.
